Forgive: Transitive Verb
1 a: to give up resentment of our claim to requital for
b: To grant relief from payment of
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) -Merriam Webster Online Dictionary
I must say that I am pleased to see that it is a verb. I'll
be honest; I had to look up to see what constitutes a transitive verb. I scored
very high on my GRE writing section, but, when it comes to knowing the formal
grammar rules, I'm pretty sure I forgot that at graduation.
Anyway, forgiveness is more than a verb, it is a choice. It
is a choice that requires much more than the single decision to tell someone
you have forgiven them. It is a choice that requires you to relinquish all
emotion that is affiliated with the offense and the person
who committed the offense.
Something that I think is important to discuss is that
forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things that are often
thought of as happening together. Forgiveness only requires one person, me.
Reconciliation requires two people, me and the offender. Forgiveness only
benefits me and unforgiveness only harms me. Reconciliation can only happen if
the other person involved is willing to change in some capacity that will allow
the relationship to continue in a healthy manner. Reconciliation is not a
requirement of forgiveness. There are no "I would forgive that person if
only..." I would forgive them, but..." Those are statements more
suitable for reconciliation.
I thought that I understood forgiveness and had forgiven
many people in my life until I had a true understanding of forgiveness. This
revelation started a few years ago, but became very real when Dr. Bev Smallwood
came and spoke in Joplin after the tornado. She gave the illustration that by
not forgiving someone you are bringing them to bed with you every night. She
then spoke of a woman who during one of her previous presentations who stood up and
declared that she just realized that she had been sleeping with her ex-husband
for X number of years. Isn't it funny that when we lay down at night to sleep,
our mind starts to wander and we start to remember all of the offenses that we
hold on to so tightly, offenses that we had "forgiven".
As I started the journey to true forgiveness, I realized
that before a person can truly forgive, they must first be able to forgive
themselves. My journey started by examining my life and all of the things I
held myself guilty for. I then dissected them and forgave myself of any wrong
doing that I had in that occurrence. In doing this, I not only forgave myself,
but for the first time allowed myself to fully experience the forgiveness of
God.
The next step on this journey was to forgive the few
individuals in my life that had hurt me so deeply that I carried the offense
with me. When I say that we are the only ones who suffer because of our
unforgiveness, it is true. The other individuals had no idea that I was still
raging mad at them. They had no ill effects in their life because of my
unforgiveness toward them. I thought I had forgiven them, but realized I hadn't
when I relished in their pain in their individual lives. It's difficult to
admit that, but it is true and I'm certain I am not the only person for whom
that is true, just one who is willing to admit it. True forgiveness did not
come overnight. Some of this pain I had carried with me from my childhood, the
longer I had carried the pain and the deeper the wound, the more difficult it
was to choose forgiveness. With time and prayer, I was able to relinquish all
pain and emotions related to these individuals and the offenses. One thing that
I found especially helpful was to pray for the individual each time I thought
of them. Forgiveness is not our natural tendency, I believe that due to our
sinful nature that unforgiveness is what comes naturally to us. Therefore, I
found that by praying for individuals each time I thought of them, eventually,
I no longer thought about them. Because if it is Satan who wants me to harbor
the pain and unforgiveness, and is therefore causing me to think of these
people he will quickly stop if I lift them up in prayer. Also, this was a
stepping stone for me, as there were some individuals who I refused to pray
for, despite requests to do so.
As a result of finding true forgiveness, I can say that I
feel lighter and less burdened. I am now able to live life more fully. I have
not reconciled with most of the individuals who are referenced above and do not
plan to do so due to their lack of change and to protect myself from further
harm. But that does not keep me from experiencing the full benefit of a life
free from resentment.
For if you forgive men when they sin against
you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not
forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Here's to forgiving fully and living life
without resentment.
