Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Something we are all familiar with and probably all think that we know how to accomplish it. We tell people we have forgiven them, but have we truly forgiven them?

Forgive: Transitive Verb
1 a: to give up resentment of our claim to requital for 
   b: To grant relief from payment of 
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) -Merriam Webster Online Dictionary

I must say that I am pleased to see that it is a verb. I'll be honest; I had to look up to see what constitutes a transitive verb. I scored very high on my GRE writing section, but, when it comes to knowing the formal grammar rules, I'm pretty sure I forgot that at graduation. 

Anyway, forgiveness is more than a verb, it is a choice. It is a choice that requires much more than the single decision to tell someone you have forgiven them. It is a choice that requires you to relinquish all emotion that is affiliated with the offense and the person who committed the offense. 

Something that I think is important to discuss is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things that are often thought of as happening together. Forgiveness only requires one person, me. Reconciliation requires two people, me and the offender. Forgiveness only benefits me and unforgiveness only harms me. Reconciliation can only happen if the other person involved is willing to change in some capacity that will allow the relationship to continue in a healthy manner. Reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness. There are no "I would forgive that person if only..." I would forgive them, but..." Those are statements more suitable for reconciliation. 

I thought that I understood forgiveness and had forgiven many people in my life until I had a true understanding of forgiveness. This revelation started a few years ago, but became very real when Dr. Bev Smallwood came and spoke in Joplin after the tornado. She gave the illustration that by not forgiving someone you are bringing them to bed with you every night. She then spoke of a woman who during one of her previous presentations who stood up and declared that she just realized that she had been sleeping with her ex-husband for X number of years. Isn't it funny that when we lay down at night to sleep, our mind starts to wander and we start to remember all of the offenses that we hold on to so tightly, offenses that we had "forgiven". 

As I started the journey to true forgiveness, I realized that before a person can truly forgive, they must first be able to forgive themselves. My journey started by examining my life and all of the things I held myself guilty for. I then dissected them and forgave myself of any wrong doing that I had in that occurrence. In doing this, I not only forgave myself, but for the first time allowed myself to fully experience the forgiveness of God. 

The next step on this journey was to forgive the few individuals in my life that had hurt me so deeply that I carried the offense with me. When I say that we are the only ones who suffer because of our unforgiveness, it is true. The other individuals had no idea that I was still raging mad at them. They had no ill effects in their life because of my unforgiveness toward them. I thought I had forgiven them, but realized I hadn't when I relished in their pain in their individual lives. It's difficult to admit that, but it is true and I'm certain I am not the only person for whom that is true, just one who is willing to admit it. True forgiveness did not come overnight. Some of this pain I had carried with me from my childhood, the longer I had carried the pain and the deeper the wound, the more difficult it was to choose forgiveness. With time and prayer, I was able to relinquish all pain and emotions related to these individuals and the offenses. One thing that I found especially helpful was to pray for the individual each time I thought of them. Forgiveness is not our natural tendency, I believe that due to our sinful nature that unforgiveness is what comes naturally to us. Therefore, I found that by praying for individuals each time I thought of them, eventually, I no longer thought about them. Because if it is Satan who wants me to harbor the pain and unforgiveness, and is therefore causing me to think of these people he will quickly stop if I lift them up in prayer. Also, this was a stepping stone for me, as there were some individuals who I refused to pray for, despite requests to do so. 

As a result of finding true forgiveness, I can say that I feel lighter and less burdened. I am now able to live life more fully. I have not reconciled with most of the individuals who are referenced above and do not plan to do so due to their lack of change and to protect myself from further harm. But that does not keep me from experiencing the full benefit of a life free from resentment. 

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Here's to forgiving fully and living life without resentment.