The call to Come

You know those songs that just jump out at you? The one that makes you turn it up, listen to it over and over, and it stays in your head for days? Well, my most recent encounter with one of these songs is "Fishers of Men" by Rhonda Vincent.  You can listen to it here: https://youtu.be/9Dyi1qRyXfE

This song appeals to me on many levels, I love blue grass, I love A capella, I have a major soft spot for Southern Gospel...I could go on. These were the reasons I kept listening to it and allowed it to replay in my head over and over. It got to the point that my 5 yr old has become obsessed with it and often asks to listen to it. 

Then one day it hit me, this song has the obvious Christian message, but I found another layer to this message that I have overlooked before. The lyrics from the chorus are:
     "Rise and follow me
      I'll make you worthy
      Rise and follow me 
      I'll make you fishers of men."
This is referring to Matthew 4:18-22 when Jesus called Peter, John and James to follow him and he would make them fishers of men. 

The part that jumped out to me was that Jesus' call was so simple: "Come, follow me" or to simplify it further, "Come". He didn't need anything from them at that moment but obedience. He didn't need them to be perfect or changed. He didn't need them to be trained in anything or have money. He only wanted their willingness to follow him. 

As people, we complicate EVERYTHING! Religion and the gospel is no exception. We think that we need to be better, we need to change, we need to have money... But, none of that is true. He only wants us to be obedient and come. Then we see in the next line "I'll make you worthy"and at the end of the chorus "I will make you fishers of men". It is our job to answer his call to come, then it is up to him to be the change in us. We are not capable of being worthy on our own, that comes from him! 

I think that the overt message here is found in the call to believe in Jesus and become a Christian. So, I hope that if you are already a believer that you haven't trailed off and are still reading! I think that this applies to us in so many more areas than just our first belief. I believe that we are regularly called to "Come" and be obedient. We as people talk ourselves out of being the person for the job, but that part is left to him if he has called us to it. 

My example of this, is in writing this post. I have known for days that I was being called to "come" write this. Me, being human, I was willing, but reluctant. I didn't feel that I was adequate for writing this. Here is some of the self talk that occurred: 

• I am not good enough to write this. I haven't been to Bible college and I don't have any formal training in the Bible. The only B I got in college was my religion class. 
• I am in way over my head with this one. I only write about opinions and my personal experiences. 
• What if I get something wrong?
• This is probably something that most people have already thought of on their own, I'm probably just slow getting to this realization.
• No one is going to want to read this anyway. I'm tired and the only time I have to work on is while my child naps, and I'd really like to nap today too. 
• I'm not a writer, I know that I'll make grammatical errors while writing this. 

I could go on. But, ultimately, I had to trust that if this was what I was being called to, that God would follow through on his part and make worthy of writing it.  It is my hope and prayer that in my humanity, I didn't complicate this very simple idea and that in my obedience to write this that the message will be conveyed appropriately. 

So, what are you being called to "Come" to?

What is keeping you from answering the very simple call?

Can you trust God enough to equip you do the rest if you respond in obedience?

A Comforting and Encouraging Message

To say that the past couple of years have been challenging would be an understatement. I don't intend to go into the details of that. Instead, I would like to share something that has been particularly comforting and encouraging. 

This year, I joined the leadership of BSF. If you are not familiar with this, it stands for Bible Study Fellowship. This is a great organization that is committed to helping people study the Bible in a way that maintains doctrinal integrity. The great thing about it, is that it is an international and interdenominational study, so you can find one near you! Check out their website for more info! www.bsfinternational.org/about 

Making the commitment to be in the leadership was not an easy decision. I had very limited resources of time and energy. But I felt strongly that I was being called into this role. I knew that I needed an opportunity to surround myself with other Christian women to help me encourage me in this journey. It was nice to be among like minded women who were so accepting and supportive. I am able to say that I found a group of Christians where I didn't feel like I was being judged. This was just the environment I needed to grow this year! 

Making a commitment to God and the path that he has for you definitely comes with challenges of its own. Speaking honestly, maintaining my commitment was very difficult! In fact, logic would indicate I should have given up. But, I persevered!  We studied the book of Revelation, and 1 of the themes that develops early on is, "patient endurance". This was my prayer regularly this year. 

I came into the study expecting to gain much factual, historical type knowledge. I was so surprised when I found that I was gaining personal life application lessons, and convictions of things I needed to do differently. But, now that I reflect on this, it is not surprising, when we are studying God's word with and open heart and mind, the lessons he has specifically for us, at that moment in time will jump off of the page. One thing that I have especially appreciated about this, is that over time, lessons I learned earlier in the study, or in my life independent of this study, repeated themselves later and sometimes became relevant in a new way. 

Now, that I've shared some of the background, I'll get on with the comforting message I promised in the beginning. The leaders had an opportunity to go to a retreat this year. On the final day we were given the opportunity to have a personal reflection time. We were given some verses to read and then were asked to sit with God and allow him to speak words of love. I thought this is GREAT! I could really stand to be loved on for a little bit. I was feeling so beaten down by life that some love and encouragement was exactly what I needed! 

While I sat reflecting, I was reminded of a magnet that I had as a teenager. I have not thought about this magnet in years! It said, "I love you, that life is richer sweeter far, for such the sweetheart that you are. And now my constant prayer will be that God will keep you safe for me."-source unknown. I choose to rephrase that a bit to "I love you, that life is richer sweeter far, for such the person that you are." 

The following is the "love letter" if you will that flowed out of me: 

Life is richer and sweeter because of me. I was created with purpose and intention.         Humans may not have planned me or wanted me, BUT, the God of the universe does and did! 

I may have been an outcast, but my suffering is not in vain. God has a plan and a purpose for me and my life! A plan for hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The God of the universe planned me, wanted me and wants me, likes me, loves me, desires me, wants good things for me, made me with purpose, and will fulfill me.

There is a God ordained plan and purpose for my life! I must cling to this. It is so easy to be lost and caught up in the temporal reality of being unwanted from the beginning. I have found such comfort in knowing that God specifically called me to parenthood, it helps strengthen me when I question myself. I may not be aware of God's plan and intention for my creation, but that does not mean that it is not there. I must cling to Him and His plans for my life. This is the only way my life can and will be fulfilled. 

Many are the plans in man's heart, but the purpose of the Lord Prevails. Proverbs 19:21

I am not greater than the creator and will not say to him that he knows nothing. Isiah 29:16

God's plans are far greater and far more achievable than my dreams will ever be! There is no way that Joseph ever dreamed that he would be second in command of Egypt. 

Faithful, patient, prayerful endurance is the way through it all.

God's plans cannot be thwarted Job 42:2 and they will stand firm forever Psalm 33:11

God's sworn promise to me: "Surely as I have planned it, so it will be, and as I have purposed it, so it will stand" Isiah 14:24

I never intended to write about this. I found it to be a personal experience. But, recently, I was feeling moved to share it here on my blog. I know that there is someone out there that needs to hear this message! I am willing to visit with anyone who would like to know more about my story or who wants to share theirs with me. I know that there is a lot of pain and suffering out there. I just hope that you find this to be an encouragement as I did. One of my original intentions of this blog was to share openly things that we normally keep guarded. I know that no one's experiences are completely unique, we are going through the same things, just in different ways. If we can create an environment where we can share openly, they lose their power over us and we can bind together to encourage each other! Please feel free to share the post as well so that more may find comfort and encouragement in knowing that God is there, and He loves them with a love more powerful and unconditional than we are capable of understanding. 

If this touched you in some way, please let me know :)

Apologies

Well, I haven't written in over a year!! Suffice it to say, that this past year has been chaos and we have done a whole lot of surviving and not a whole lot of living. I'm definitely looking forward to 2015 and hoping that it will be more normal, if there is such a thing.

Recently I have found myself shaking my head and asking "What is wrong with people?" I'm sure that I wonder this about many different things, but what is on my mind today related to apologies. I don't understand why people are so ineffective with their apologies. I have been the recipient of 3 really crummy apologies recently and had one of my apologies go completely unrecognized.

So, who has actually contemplated what makes an apology effective? Maybe you all know some people who are great at apologizing and so you've never had the need to contemplate this. Well, I've identified a few components that are necessary for helping an apology accomplish its goal of promoting healing and clearing the air after someone has been wronged.

• It needs to be genuine and specific. Avoid sarcasm. 
• Use an empathy statement to demonstration to the person that you have thought about what you did and how it made them feel.
• Accept responsibility for your actions. 
• Don't make excuses.
• When someone apologizes to you, at minimum, recognize the apology,even if you need time to process it before you feel that you can accept it. 

I've found some gray area when it comes to not making excuses. I know that when I have done something deserving of an apology, it was usually done unintentionally. As a result, I often want to share what my intentions were so that the person can understand my motivation better. Here's the gray area: What is a reason to me, can very easily be perceived as an excuse by the recipient. So, in this case, we need to weigh our motivations and intentions in sharing our reasons for the offense and make sure that they are pure. I think that it would then be appropriate to try to think about how they will be perceived by the recipient and then decide if it would be helpful to share the intentions or not. 

I've spent a little bit of time thinking about why is it so hard for us to apologize. The thing that comes to mind is that we have to humble ourselves to apologize effectively. As someone who doesn't go around purposefully committing offenses, I find apologizing to be fairly easy and freeing. Freeing in that it allows the relationship to be restored and often strengthened. Now, I will admit, that when I have done something that is more overtly wrong, it is much more difficult to apologize and to apologize well. It is a much more humbling experience and can be somewhat painful. But in the end it is still worth it to admit fault to promote healing and restoration. 

In writing this, I've been reminded of an apology that I owe someone. So looks like I've got a phone call to make later. What about you? Who do you need to apologize to? What excuses are you going to choose to leave out of that apology? How will this help restore your relationship?

I'd love to know your thoughts on apologies. I have by no means exhausted this topic! Just a brief glimpse into my own observations. Comment below to share your thoughts. 

Here's to apologizing and doing it well!

Choosing to Trust

As some of you may be aware, my husband was laid off from his job recently. This has been difficult news for all the obvious reasons. Having been through this two times prior, it is not nearly as scary this time as it was in the past. However, it is more difficult this time since this is the first time that I have not been working when we received the news...making it harder to absorb the loss of income. 

The news is always devastating and it feels like the bottom just fell out from under you. Fortunately, this time it was a little bit easier because of our past experiences we can look back and see how God has provided for our needs and cared for us during these times. As a result of being put in this position again, I found myself contemplating a myriad of potential causes:  is there is a lesson that we keep not learning, have we done something to deserve this as a punishment, is this a challenge to our faith, to offer a sampling. 

As I reflected back on the previous times we have been here, I noticed that I did not do a good job of digging into God, relying on Him and fully trusting in His plan and provision. Most of the time I could say all the right things, but at the end of the day, I didn't believe them in my heart. Toward the end of the 2nd lay off, there was a time that I could not even say that I trusted God. The words were too painful. I was so hurt and devastated by the situation and it kept dragging on and there seemed to be no end in sight. As a result of these revelations, I made the choice to dig into to God and trust in His plan, time, and provision. 

My husband made an interesting observation as he reflected on the past experiences as well. He noted that each time this has happened the timing has been correlated with increased involvement in the church. Which also correlates to our feeling more settled into life and being able to give more of ourselves. It wasn't until I considered this along with a comment posted by my Facebook wall by a dear friend that I looked at this situation as a spiritual attack. My friend, Heather, posted: "I truly believe you are where you are supposed to be. Satan would not be attacking you so hard if you were not doing something right. We love you guys and your ministry here is so powerful! Satan knows that and is trying to stop you.I hate that you guys are going through this but you have a great support here that loves you guys!"

For whatever reason, I have not generally been a person who has assigned spiritual significance to most negative happenings in my life. I just kind of accept them as a part of life, get through it as best we can, and move on to the next challenge. I think one reason, is that I have never really considered myself worthy of an attack from Satan. I guess that I don't necessarily recognize the impact that I have and can have on others and their spirituality. But when I considered everything together and had my eyes opened to a new perspective, things clicked and made a little more sense. 

As a result of all this pondering that has been happening, I have made the choice to dig into God and to simply trust. Satan will not win this battle, because I already know who has won the war. I have felt a strong tug to withdrawn from my activities and support systems, but now I know who wants that and why. So, I am choosing to maintain my current level of involvement in my activities, regardless of the battle that ensues within me each and every morning. 

To link this to the stages of grief, I skipped denial, I think it is unproductive and a waste of time in this scenario (I'm a red after all). That is not to say that denial doesn't have it's place, because I know that in some instances, it is a very valuable protector of our mental health. I went right into anger, first was anger at God. This lasted about 3-4 days. Then I was angry at a very large segment of our population for a few days. Skipped bargaining, again, just not for me in this situation. Next came sadness and the desire to withdraw and isolate. The sadness was brief, but the desire to withdraw still lingers. Then on to acceptance and my choices listed above. A few days ago I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of peace. It goes against all logic and all of my humanness that has a plan for how to minimize the damage and best survive the storm. I guess it is best to describe it as the peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) 

As of today, I can say and believe that it will all be OK and everything is going to work out. God's got this, and His plan is so much more perfect than mine could ever be. He sees the whole picture after all.  

Lessons from Jonah

I started a new devotional book today. It is a book intended to help find healing, today's particular lesson looked at miracles that Jesus had preformed in healing people and storms he had calmed. One reading was out of the book of Jonah. As a person who was raised in the church, I have been familiar with the story of Jonah since I was a child. Being a "red" I don't often like to review things that I already know. But after reading the first chapter as suggested by my book, I felt inspired to read the whole story. It is only 4 chapters long and is a quick read. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story I will provide a brief synopsis. 

God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh to and preach against their wickedness. Jonah chose not to obey, but to take a boat in the opposite direction of Nineveh. On the boat, he went below deck and fell asleep. While he was sleeping, a huge storm came over the area and everyone on board became afraid for their lives. They called upon their various gods, to no avail. In verse 7 of chapter 1 it says that they cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity and that the lot fell on Jonah. He then explained that in order to stop the storm and save themselves, they would need to throw him in the sea. They did not want to do this, but ultimately realized that they must to save themselves. Prior to throwing him in, they asked forgiveness from God. Immediately after they threw him in, the sea grew calm. This caused the people to fear the Lord and offer him sacrifices. 

God caused a large fish to come and swallow Jonah. Jonah spent 3 day and 3 nights there and prayed to the Lord. The Lord then commanded the fist to spit Jonah onto dry land. At this time Jonah followed God's request for him to go to Nineveh. On his first day in Nineveh, he proclaimed, " Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned." Amazingly, the people headed his words, and fasted, and changed their ways. As a result of their changes, God had compassion on them and did not destroy them. Jonah became angry that God spared their lives. 

There are a few things that I found particularly interesting. One being that the act of casting lots allowed them to determine that Jonah was the cause of the storm. I am not a Bible scholar, nor am I a history buff, so if you are aware of a more in  depth explanation of this act, I welcome your input in the comments section. Basically, this seems to be a game of chance, a something that would be similar in today's world is flipping a coin. I found it interesting that God intervened and used something of chance to reveal the person responsible for the storm. 

The second thing that stood out to me was that as a result of the immediate calming of the storm upon throwing Jonah in the men began to make sacrifices and vows to God. I saw this as pretty amazing that by witnessing one act these men, who had worshiped other gods turned to God  because he had control of the wind and waves. I also saw this as a reminder that God can use us in the most unlikely ways and situations to bring others to know Him and His power. 

The final thing that stood out to me was Jonah's reaction to the people of Nineveh's change in behavior. Initially when I read this, I expected him to be happy that he followed God and as a result had a part in the preservation of an entire city. I put myself in his place, I felt that I would have been relieved to know that I had done what was right and that I had received a visual confirmation of this in their conversion. Again, I think if I had a better understanding of the history relating to this story, I would be able to explain this better, again, I am unable. However, from the study section of my Bible, it explains that "The Jews did not want to share God's message with the Gentile nations in Jonah's day." (NIV Life Application Bible) Jonah believed that these people were evil and deserved to be destroyed for their choices. I have to be honest here, I am not proud to admit, but there have been times in my life when I have been like Jonah. There have been a few individuals in my life who hurt me so deeply that I wished condemnation on them. I have been guilty of saying that I wish they would die and go to Hell. I said that I refused to pray for them and their salvation, because I believed that they did not deserve God's grace and salvation. I am happy to admit that at this time, I have forgiven these people and I no longer wish such things upon them. Feel free to read my post on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive those who have wronged you here:  http://www.followaprilsjourney.blogspot.com/2012/11/forgiveness.html

I also wonder what happened to Jonah after this. It seems that he became bitter as a result of this experience as he says that he is angry enough to die.  In a quick internet search, I learned that we don't know more about Jonah's story from the Bible, as this is the last reference to him while he was alive. It makes me wonder if he gave up his ministry because of this one incident. If so, how sad. 

I had something else that I was wondering about, but as I sit here writing, while trying to manage a toddler and keep him off of the computer, my last thing that I was pondering is gone. I'm sure it will come to me at some point. 

I hope to never forget the important lesson I learned from Jonah and I hope to never be a Jonah again. 

What God's been teaching me

I have been reading the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It is amazing and has helped me see things in a new perspective. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It will transform your prayer life forever. As a result of this book, I have been devoting more time to prayer and have a better understanding of how to pray . I also feel like I have learned a couple things about myself as a result of reading this book, lessons at church, and through my improved prayer life. One thing that I learned and am still working on came from a combination of all three of the above mentioned resources.

I have learned that I tend to be a little bit like Sarah from the Old Testament....no, I'm not sending my husband off to sleep with someone else so he can have a child. I'm like Sarah in that I tend to become impatient and try to do things in my own time and in my own strength, rather than praying through and waiting on the Lord. One recent example that comes to mind is my decision to promote the Body By Vi 90 day challenge. At the time I decided to promote, I was desperate to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my son. I had prayed about this earnestly for a long time and things were looking positive, but not definite. In hindsight, I can now say that I took matters into my own hand and tried to force it into happening rather than being patient and praying through. As a result of doing this, I believe that I robbed God of some of his glory in providing for us so that I can stay home and be a full time mom.

As a result of learning this about myself, I have started to examine this tendency. I have known that I am a very strong person, while this is a characteristic I like about myself, I think that it can be a downfall. When I get impatient and want something to happen, if things aren't progressing the way that I think they should be, I turn to myself and my strength to do what I can to make it happen. In doing so, I short change myself from the blessings that could come from allowing God to do it perfectly in His perfect time. I also short change God, in that I don't fully recognize what He has done for me and don't give Him adequate praise. One thing that I have been praying for and working on since this revelation, is that God will show me His fingerprints in my life so that I may be able to give Him the thanks and praise that is due Him.

Another thing that struck me came as a result of our sermon this morning. Our pastor preached on the healing of the blind man in John 9. I don't remember exactly how he phrased it, but he made a statement to the effect of "We should all be sharing the miracles that God has done in our lives". He then went on to make the point that while we may not have been healed from blindness, we have experienced miracles. One being the life that Jesus saved us from. That caused me to think about the miracles I have had in my life. In some ways I think this ties into the above thoughts on my difficulty to recognize the hand of God in my life. Obviously, I am not blind, and I have been blessed not to have anything as serious as that in my life. But, I need to learn to liken the things that God does for to the enormity of being healed from blindness. I feel that my story is pretty ordinary, and generally not worth sharing. However, I will be praying that God will reveal things that I need to be sharing with others. After all, that was one of my main goal in starting this blog, to help others by sharing my experiences.

Love Equals the Right to Speak Truth

The title of today's post came from Mark Hall, the lead singer for Casting Crowns. We were blessed to be able to attend their concert in Joplin this weekend with some of our friends. This one statement stood out to me because it sums up so much of what I want to say to people.

As I was reading a section of "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst this afternoon, this phrase came to mind again. She was discussing a passage of scripture in James 3 and how it relates to our need to control our reactions during time of raw emotion. This caused me to go back and read James 3 in its entirety.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. 

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the mouth come blessings and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. 

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable  gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. 

I added the bold lettering to the section which stood out to me most. I am guilty of falling into this, so please don't read my words as judgement or condemnation, but rather as a challenge for all of us to strive to improve in this area and to be able hold each other accountable as well. Success in any area of our lives will be attained more quickly when we bring others on board to help us on our journey.

How many of us go to church on Sunday and sing praises to the King, walk the walk, and talk the talk, then leave and make rude comments about the driver in front of us, pass judgement on someone we see, or bad mouth a co-worker who offended us? If you can relate, you are right there with me and probably everyone else we know who is a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't make us perfect, it makes us sinners save by grace. This verse also reminds me of another statement made by Mark Hall during the concert. I do not remember exactly how he phrased this, but basically he said that we as Christians need to stop criticizing lost people for sinning. It should be no surprise to us that they are sinning, they are lost after all! In tying that into the above verse it was a startling reminder that we are all created in God's, in his image. Who are we to criticize what God has made and made in his likeness none the less! Are we some how more suited to judge than God is? Are we somehow more qualified to determine people's weaknesses? If you break it down, the only difference among us is where we are at on our journey with God. Some of us have yet to begin, some of us have matured greatly and are working toward perfecting our walk, and the rest of us fall somewhere in between. I want to encourage all of us to have close relationships with someone who is further along the path to mentor us, someone who is at a similar stage to cheer us on and encourage us, and someone who is further behind us to pour into to them and encourage them on their journey.

Back to the title of today's post, "Love equals the right to speak truth." If we do not have love and do not have a relationship with individuals, we have no business discussing difficult topics with them. If these two qualifications are not met, despite our intentions, our actions will be perceived as  judgement and could possibly do more damage than good. Ultimately, if I had to sum my convictions, it would boil down to love and relationships.

We Learn As We Go

Prior to Greg and I having Aiden, our first child, someone had condemned our opinions on a few different topics. Their reasoning was that we were somehow less informed than they were due to the fact that they were a parent and we were not. This person then proceeded to inform us that we would be completely changed when we became parents and that we would then share their opinions. 

I am pleased to report that Greg and I are now parents, have been for nearly 2 years. However, we did not have the enlightening moment that was promised to us by this individual. For that I am thankful, my opinions were well informed and based in logic rather than emotion. I have however experienced a greater understanding of God our how our relationship is to be with him as a result of being a parent. For this enlightenment, I am forever grateful. 

The first change that I noticed was that I had a more comprehensive knowledge of unconditional love. It was amazing to me how I could love someone so completely and so instantly. Aiden did not have to do anything other than exist for me to love him. No matter how long the nights and how challenging the days, I loved him fully. I was simply overcome with the amount of love I felt and the amount of emotion I was experiencing. Being a "red" I am naturally not very emotional and had never experienced this much emotion. Of course throughout the Bible God is referred to as our Father. I did not have the opportunity to have my father in the home as I was growing up, and my relationship with my mother was very strained. As a result, I did not have experiential knowledge of what the parent child relationship is supposed to be. During the time that I laid in bed hoping and praying that Aiden would sleep I spent a significant amount of time in prayer and reflection. In these wee hours of the morning, I was blessed to start to comprehend what that relationship can and should be. I realized that no matter what God loved me and that he loved me enough that he made the ultimate sacrifice (one that I hope never to be faced with), of sacrificing his only son in order to save a flawed person like me from the damnation that I deserved. 

The second revelation I had occurred as Aiden and I were going shopping one day. As we got out of the car it occurred to me that Aiden trusts me completely. He didn't question where we were going or why, he simply knew that I would keep him safe and that there was a reason for our outing. This made me realize how many times I have questioned God through my life and wondered why. In that moment I realized that I needed to do better about trusting God the way Aiden trusts me and allow God to work, because he has my best interest in mind, as I do for Aiden. 

The third thing that I learned came during a mom's group. On this day we watched a DVD sermon by Pastor Dave Stone. He was speaking about his book "Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord". He described his parenting practice of first time obedience. I had not been exposed to this principle prior to this lesson. I have pondered this since this day, and still have mixed feelings about implementing it. However, he went on to say that it is important for us to teach our children to obey the first time we say/request something of them so that later in life they will obey God the first time. It was from this lesson that for the first time in my life I realized the impact that our parenting can have on our children's relationship/understanding of God. I don't know if it had never been explained to me, or I had never been exposed to this concept. But I was shocked that despite being raised in the church that I was just now understanding this principle. This caused me to reflect on how I was raised and how the parenting patterns that were established in my home have continued in my relationship with God. For example, everything was a discussion and debate when I was growing up. Now, as an adult, as I reflect, I have found that I have discussed and debated with God instead of being obedient. 

The final major realization that I have had is that just as any parent wishes to reward their children for good behavior, God wants to reward me for obedience. This has caused me to wonder what blessings I have missed out on due to my choosing not to obey the first time God asks something of me. Fortunately, God is a God of grace and forgiveness, and I will be able to improve in my abilities and avoid discussing and debating with God and will be able to live more closely to the life God has intended for me. 

I am thankful for the things that I have learned and will learn as a result of being a parent. And while the individual who condemned us prior to becoming parents was shortsighted, I am thankful for their words. Without them, I may not have been as aware of the things I have learned. 

Here's to keeping our eyes, ears, and minds open so that we don't miss a learning opportunity. 

Getting Vulnerable

So, in keeping it real, tonight I have decided to be vulnerable. I don't know what it is about the shower, but that is where I do a lot of my deep thinking. Anyone else find that to be true?

Tonight while I was in the shower I was thinking about my "why that will make you cry" (When you join ViSalus as a promoter they tell you to figure out why you are doing this to help keep yourself motivated.) It started out being to pay off debt so I could stay home with Aiden. Over the past few months it has developed into something more than that. I was blessed with reaching my goal of staying home in the month of October. In attaining that goal I was able to more fully understand the true blessing that it is and have developed a passion for wanting to help others attain that goal. I have also found a passion for the single parents out there. During the times that Greg has been traveling for work, I got a taste of the work, effort, and exhaustion that comes along with being a working single parent and want so badly to be able to help single parents be able to earn more money to provide more for their children while being home more

I realized in the shower that all of these goals and whys stem from growing up poor. There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to admit that and there was a time that I was so ashamed of that fact. But now I am able to realize that I didn't do anything to cause it and I don't have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. There are many things that I do or don't do as an adult that I can say relate specifically back to the fact that we were poor growing up. I do not shop at 2nd hand stores. (I do however love the consignment sales, because there savings is a sport :)). While growing up my clothes did not come from Goodwill or Salvation Army, they were too expensive for us. My clothes came from the .10 store, and in my opinion they were hideous. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself as a child because I cringe at the clothes I was wearing.

I also realized for the first time that growing up I never had a vacation until my mom remarried when I was in 7th grade. We went to visit family, but never a true vacation. I think the closest I can remember of having a vacation was when my uncle in CA paid for us to come visit....yeah, thinking back, that was a true vacation. I can remember going to Disneyland and Universal Studios, so I take that back, I had one vacation before my mom remarried. My siblings don't understand. They are much older than me and they grew up with both of our parents in the home and had a much better financial outlook than when I came on the scene. I have seen pictures of them on several family vacations.

I realized for the first time last year that I was cold growing up because my mom couldn't afford to heat the home properly. I am naturally cold by nature, and kinda on the cheap side, but I decided that now that I pay my utility bills, I will NEVER be cold! I don't care how much my electric runs, I will not be cold. As a child I had to sleep in my snow suit, now I sleep in as much or as little as I desire because I will be comfortable when I sleep.

When Greg and I were first married, he asked me if I was hungry growing up,  unfortunately, the answer was yes....I ate a lot of Ramen noodles, cheese tacos, and totinos pizzas. You would think that I wouldn't like these now, but I actually do, and when I'm in a hurry or don't know what else to make, these are the things I revert to (not so much now that I have the shakes that I can whip up).

Just the other day I was trying to identify why I have the strong urge to travel at Christmas. I realized that it was because growing up Christmas was pretty much just another day. I had a few small gifts and we had some decorations, but there wasn't anything that really stood out about Christmas. My Aunt Jan usually sent me something nice and that helped make it special. I especially liked the Christmases that we got to travel to my Aunt Jan's house. Primarily, because of all the family that was present. To this day, I want to travel and have as many people surrounding me as possible on Christmas. With all that said, I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and do not support the corporate holiday. But, I do enjoy giving gifts and trying to make the holiday special for those around me, especially children. I have found that during the holidays I miss my Aunt Jan more than other times of the year. I think that is because she did an amazing job of helping Christmas be Christmas. :)

Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't all bad. I know that my mom did what she could with what she had. And I have some pleasant memories too! Just pleasant memories are vulnerable :)

Had my mom not remarried, I don't know what my life would look like today. I am forever grateful to my step-dad for many reasons, too many to numerate here tonight. But as they apply to the topic at hand, he obviously helped improve our finances. He is a retired teacher, so as you can imagine we weren't living large, but we had a very nice and comfortable life. I can't say what role exactly he played in helping me decide to go to college, but I know that he was an important influence on this decision.

Basically, the bottom line, is that I am changing my family's financial outlook because my children will no be hungry, cold, and will not graduate with with insane education debt that my husband and I did. They will be able to have family vacations and Christmas will not be another day of the year

Please do not come away from this thinking that I am materialistic or whatever. The truth is that I want to be able to provide my children with more than I had and that I want to be able to give of my time, energy, and financially. We have a modest, comfortable life and for that I am grateful.

Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am choosing not to reread this as it was painful enough to write it and I am not ready to relive it again :)

Here's to getting vulnerable!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Something we are all familiar with and probably all think that we know how to accomplish it. We tell people we have forgiven them, but have we truly forgiven them?

Forgive: Transitive Verb
1 a: to give up resentment of our claim to requital for 
   b: To grant relief from payment of 
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) -Merriam Webster Online Dictionary

I must say that I am pleased to see that it is a verb. I'll be honest; I had to look up to see what constitutes a transitive verb. I scored very high on my GRE writing section, but, when it comes to knowing the formal grammar rules, I'm pretty sure I forgot that at graduation. 

Anyway, forgiveness is more than a verb, it is a choice. It is a choice that requires much more than the single decision to tell someone you have forgiven them. It is a choice that requires you to relinquish all emotion that is affiliated with the offense and the person who committed the offense. 

Something that I think is important to discuss is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things that are often thought of as happening together. Forgiveness only requires one person, me. Reconciliation requires two people, me and the offender. Forgiveness only benefits me and unforgiveness only harms me. Reconciliation can only happen if the other person involved is willing to change in some capacity that will allow the relationship to continue in a healthy manner. Reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness. There are no "I would forgive that person if only..." I would forgive them, but..." Those are statements more suitable for reconciliation. 

I thought that I understood forgiveness and had forgiven many people in my life until I had a true understanding of forgiveness. This revelation started a few years ago, but became very real when Dr. Bev Smallwood came and spoke in Joplin after the tornado. She gave the illustration that by not forgiving someone you are bringing them to bed with you every night. She then spoke of a woman who during one of her previous presentations who stood up and declared that she just realized that she had been sleeping with her ex-husband for X number of years. Isn't it funny that when we lay down at night to sleep, our mind starts to wander and we start to remember all of the offenses that we hold on to so tightly, offenses that we had "forgiven". 

As I started the journey to true forgiveness, I realized that before a person can truly forgive, they must first be able to forgive themselves. My journey started by examining my life and all of the things I held myself guilty for. I then dissected them and forgave myself of any wrong doing that I had in that occurrence. In doing this, I not only forgave myself, but for the first time allowed myself to fully experience the forgiveness of God. 

The next step on this journey was to forgive the few individuals in my life that had hurt me so deeply that I carried the offense with me. When I say that we are the only ones who suffer because of our unforgiveness, it is true. The other individuals had no idea that I was still raging mad at them. They had no ill effects in their life because of my unforgiveness toward them. I thought I had forgiven them, but realized I hadn't when I relished in their pain in their individual lives. It's difficult to admit that, but it is true and I'm certain I am not the only person for whom that is true, just one who is willing to admit it. True forgiveness did not come overnight. Some of this pain I had carried with me from my childhood, the longer I had carried the pain and the deeper the wound, the more difficult it was to choose forgiveness. With time and prayer, I was able to relinquish all pain and emotions related to these individuals and the offenses. One thing that I found especially helpful was to pray for the individual each time I thought of them. Forgiveness is not our natural tendency, I believe that due to our sinful nature that unforgiveness is what comes naturally to us. Therefore, I found that by praying for individuals each time I thought of them, eventually, I no longer thought about them. Because if it is Satan who wants me to harbor the pain and unforgiveness, and is therefore causing me to think of these people he will quickly stop if I lift them up in prayer. Also, this was a stepping stone for me, as there were some individuals who I refused to pray for, despite requests to do so. 

As a result of finding true forgiveness, I can say that I feel lighter and less burdened. I am now able to live life more fully. I have not reconciled with most of the individuals who are referenced above and do not plan to do so due to their lack of change and to protect myself from further harm. But that does not keep me from experiencing the full benefit of a life free from resentment. 

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Here's to forgiving fully and living life without resentment. 

Anticipation is building each day as I become one day closer to being a stay at home mom. This has been my goal since I found out I was pregnant. I knew that it would not be a reality initially, due to Greg's job situation. But I knew that it would work out. I knew this, because it was not my plan. I had my plan for my life, and it did not include being a stay at home mom. It was more of a career driven plan. Therefore, I knew that the burning desire that I had to be a stay at home mom could have only been a part of God's plan for my life, hence how I knew it would come to fruition. 

I struggled with not being able to stay home for a very long time both during the pregnancy and after Aiden was born. I had many periods of time where I would beg and plead with God to make this happen. Many evenings were spent in tears in the shower, again, begging and pleading for this to be a reality. It was during this time that I also struggled with how to pray and does God really want to hear the same thing over and over again? I figured, I don't like hearing the same thing over and over again, and He is the all knowing God, so surely He doesn't want to hear it over and over again. He knows the desires of my heart, after all, He's the one who put them there! As I struggled with this, I read somewhere that God wants us to be persistent. He wants us to come to him over and over again with the same topics. 

I am blessed that my prayers have been answered and I will soon get to experience the joys of full time motherhood, as well as the trials. I believe that God did not allow me to stay home initially because I wasn't ready for it, no matter how ready I thought I was. I think that had I always been able to stay home, I would have constantly been thinking about what it is like to be a working mom, and would have been trying to decide if I had made the correct decision. I'm sure I would have been filled with doubts of not being cut out for it. But, now that I have experienced being a working mom, I believe that I will be able to more fully appreciate the blessing of staying home. I hate it when Aiden is sick, but those have been my favorite days when I get to stay home with him. It just feels like all is right in the world and it has given me confirmation that I'm making the right choice for me and for my family. 

As far as I know, I came up with this saying on my own...but you never know what seeds may have been planted that caused me to think of it...so, if I should be giving credit to someone, please let me know.

"We are all just people, living life the best that we know how with the tools that we have."

This is a saying that I truly believe and try to remember. I remind myself of this at times when I find that I may be looking down on or judging someone. I think that it is easy for us to start to think that we are better than people, for many different reasons. I don't have to list the reasons, I'm sure a flood of them come to mind when you start to think about it.

One particular reason that stands out to me is treating people differently because they are poor. I have been working with some of the poorest people for the last 3 years, and the one thing that I know, is that they are people with hopes and dreams the same as you and I. They are living their life the best that the know how with the tools that they have available to them. I have spent my time and effort trying to improve their tools so that they can get closet to obtaining their goals, whatever that may be.

It seems that people who live in trailers get made fun of the most. I can think of several derogatory sayings that  are aimed at people living in trailers. I truly don't understand that. It is a home, a home that they can afford. Who are we to judge them for living within their means! And just because a person lives in a trailer does not mean that they are poor. Maybe it is just that having a fancy house doesn't align with their goals. Maybe they choose to have a less expensive home in order to achieve their other financial goals. We all make financial decisions every day, and not all of us have the same financial goals. Some people prefer a fancy home, some prefer a fancy car, some to be able to travel, some to be debt free.

My mom was very poor while I was a young child and we lived in a trailer. I felt the judgement of others and I was made very aware that we were "less" because of her income. Now looking back, how sad that a young child should feel this way and be aware of the judgments of other children and adults.  I was embarrassed of the clothes I had, the car she drove, and that we lived in a trailer. But, now looking back I am not embarrassed of these things, they are all in material and are very insignificant in the grand scheme of life. She did a good job of creating a nice home and providing the best she could with what she had, and ultimately is that what we are all doing, just on different scales?

Here's to remembering we are all just people, living life the best we know how with the tools that we have.

While I was sitting in church on Sunday I was thinking about the Casting Crowns' song, "Praise You in This Storm". This caused a flood of thoughts and memories: a friend who had this as their ringtone after surviving the May 22 tornado, the picture we have in our living room with a favorite quote "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain", the various storms we have faced in our life and our attitudes during those storms.

While I was pondering these things, I realized that each and everyone of us face storms in our life. Each storm has a perceived magnitude and significance to the person experiencing it and to those looking in. The storms that each of us face are very real, significant, and unpleasant. However, it is sometimes easy for outsiders to hear about or watch us face a storm and try to "one up" us, or be dismissive of the pain that we are facing. When the reality is that no one has the right to judge another person's storm just because it is different from their own storm.

Yesterday on the radio, I heard a blurb from Renee Swope, at least I'm pretty sure that's who it was, I don't want to mis-credit anyone. She spoke of how when a friend at church asked how she was doing, she unloaded on her. She encouraged people to be honest with each other and to trust one another with our burdens, or storms, in order that we may come along side one another and help lighten the load.

Here's to putting judgement aside and dancing in the rain with one another!

If you could chose your life, what would it look like? Does this align with the person God wants you to be? Could this be your calling?

These are things that I have been asking myself a lot recently. I have been reading the book If You Want to walk on Water You've Got to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg. (Which if you are the person who loaned that to us, let me know so I can get you a replacement.) Some of the things that have stood out to me are as follows: 

A calling is something that is discovered not chosen.

We each have been given gifts, talents, longings & desires. We must work to identify these, develop them, and use them to humbly and joyfully serve God. 

What brings you joy? What do you desire & are passionate about? 

I also heard an interview on KLove with Caroline Dowd Higgins, who is a career coach and Brian Ray CEO with Crossroads Career Network. A lot of what they had to say fell in line with the above thoughts from the book. The part that stood out to me in her interview was when one of them said that people need to give themselves permission to change their minds, referring to their career choices.

So, now that I have some disjointed thoughts out, I'll ask again, If you could chose your life, what would it look like?

For me I have determined that I would be a stay at home mom (which is quickly becoming a passion to help others who want this achieve it). 

I would be organized to a "T". I'm pretty organized, but no where near what I want to be. 

Be well dressed (I'll admit that I'm obsessed with the Eddie Bauer catalog.)

I desire to have the ability to give both of my time and financially to charity and missions work.

To be a leader in Women's ministries.

To have the time and money to be able to travel.

Provide a comfortable life for Aiden and any future children.

I have a feeling that somewhere within those lines is my calling. Guess I will have to wait to see where the journey takes me. 

Here's to finding our calling!

I was driving home from a challenge party the other night and I had a revelation. It suddenly occurred to me that I am NOT capable of being the person I want to be and that I need to change my focus to being the person that God wants me to be.

I was struggling several months back with the realization that I didn't have time or energy to be the person I wanted to be. Someone asked me who it was that I wanted to be. In that moment, I realized how completely unattainable my expectations were. I realized that I had taken everything I liked about the people around me and wanted that part of them to be part of me as well. Basically, I wanted to be Martha Stewart in the home and kitchen, dress fashionably and have salon fresh hair and make up daily, have a house that is perfectly tidy every moment, be mom of the year, be an amazing wife, and have the career of my choosing, all while being an active and involved church member...it's exhausting just listing it all! At that time I looked back on the individuals who have served as role models for me as I created this picture of who I wanted to be and I realized that something had to give for them, because no one is capable of doing it all. In that moment I determined that  there were some aspects of my life that could not give: God, my family, and my sanity!

Apparently the mini lesson I learned several months ago was not enough, because I was right back to wanting to do it all and have it all. This time God intervened for me and this seems to be a more effective lesson. So, who does God want me to be. Well, that is a journey that I am currently on. I have determined some aspects of who this person is, but I know he isn't finished revealing this to me just yet. So far, I know that my roles that I need to fulfill are to be a child of God, a wife, mother, and daughter. Through prayer and reading, He has revealed some adjectives that I have been working to define their role in my life and I'm sure that as I continue on this journey, there will be more adjectives that are added. Currently I know that I am to be diligent, flawed, faithful, persistent, humble, and joyful. I had the most amazing feeling of relief when He revealed that I am flawed and that I am created to be flawed. I have spent my life striving for perfection, or as close as I could possibly come, and I have always fallen short of my expectations. The definition of a flaw is an imperfection or weakness. How nice it is to know that my weaknesses are God given. I certainly don't plan on using this as an excuse to play on my weaknesses, however, it's nice to know that I'm meant to have weaknesses.

Psalm 139:14 comes to mind " I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are you works; my soul knows it very well."-ESV

Here's to being the people God wants us to be, flaws and all!

So, one thing that I have found that I often do, is say to myself, "If only John Doe would do____,things could be so much better for them". Typically these thoughts revolve around finances. A person complains that they are struggling financially, yet I can easily see so many areas for savings, cable and expensive toys are the first two that come to mind. Another personal example is of an individual who complained that they were cold and could not afford to buy blankets and that they couldn't afford undergarments. At the time Greg and I received this complaint, we were newly married and were college students struggling to make it, but I couldn't justify not sending this person some blankets and undergarments. We then visited this person a few months later and I was sickened to find that this individual was spending their money on expensive clothes and accessories!

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I wonder what people think and say to themselves "If only April would do _____ differently, things would be better for her". I wish that we lived in a society that embraced honesty enough that people had the courage to tell their friends, "hey maybe try this" and that it would be well received. If I were smart enough with websites, I would figure out how to receive feedback anonymously in order to receive honest, unfiltered, information. However, I do not possess this knowledge, therefore, it is my challenge to you to provide me with honest feedback and to me to receive this information with an open mind and heart.

Here's to being honest while we keep it real!

Well, I am on a journey! I'm not sure where the path will lead, but I know it won't be disappointing. My journey is one of both physical and spiritual health. I invite you to join me as I endeavor to help others and obtain accountability as I seek to Keep It Real!

I want to start by letting everyone know that I am not a writer, just someone with hopes of helping others by sharing myself. This is something that I have been contemplating for some time. It started with a rant to my friend Brittany in which I expressed concerns with Facebook and the jealousy it cultivates. I love Facebook and keeping in contact with people, however, problems arise because we only post our happy moments, (or our very negative feelings and occurrences) which leads to creating an unrealistic picture of what our lives look like. I believe that as people we need to make an effort to be honest and real with those around us. In my experience anything I have gone through that I felt I could not share with others is totally NORMAL! I just didn't know it because no one was talking about it. When I finally opened up and shared my story, others who had a similar experience felt relief to know they were not alone.

I plan to push myself to share my inner self and offer greater disclosure that I am naturally comfortable with. I won't promise full disclosure...maybe with time. I welcome any questions and feedback. For those of you familiar with the color code I am a red...which means that my natural tendency is to guard my insecurities tightly...so this is a step in my journey to becoming charactered.

Here's to keeping it real!