What God's been teaching me

I have been reading the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It is amazing and has helped me see things in a new perspective. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It will transform your prayer life forever. As a result of this book, I have been devoting more time to prayer and have a better understanding of how to pray . I also feel like I have learned a couple things about myself as a result of reading this book, lessons at church, and through my improved prayer life. One thing that I learned and am still working on came from a combination of all three of the above mentioned resources.

I have learned that I tend to be a little bit like Sarah from the Old Testament....no, I'm not sending my husband off to sleep with someone else so he can have a child. I'm like Sarah in that I tend to become impatient and try to do things in my own time and in my own strength, rather than praying through and waiting on the Lord. One recent example that comes to mind is my decision to promote the Body By Vi 90 day challenge. At the time I decided to promote, I was desperate to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my son. I had prayed about this earnestly for a long time and things were looking positive, but not definite. In hindsight, I can now say that I took matters into my own hand and tried to force it into happening rather than being patient and praying through. As a result of doing this, I believe that I robbed God of some of his glory in providing for us so that I can stay home and be a full time mom.

As a result of learning this about myself, I have started to examine this tendency. I have known that I am a very strong person, while this is a characteristic I like about myself, I think that it can be a downfall. When I get impatient and want something to happen, if things aren't progressing the way that I think they should be, I turn to myself and my strength to do what I can to make it happen. In doing so, I short change myself from the blessings that could come from allowing God to do it perfectly in His perfect time. I also short change God, in that I don't fully recognize what He has done for me and don't give Him adequate praise. One thing that I have been praying for and working on since this revelation, is that God will show me His fingerprints in my life so that I may be able to give Him the thanks and praise that is due Him.

Another thing that struck me came as a result of our sermon this morning. Our pastor preached on the healing of the blind man in John 9. I don't remember exactly how he phrased it, but he made a statement to the effect of "We should all be sharing the miracles that God has done in our lives". He then went on to make the point that while we may not have been healed from blindness, we have experienced miracles. One being the life that Jesus saved us from. That caused me to think about the miracles I have had in my life. In some ways I think this ties into the above thoughts on my difficulty to recognize the hand of God in my life. Obviously, I am not blind, and I have been blessed not to have anything as serious as that in my life. But, I need to learn to liken the things that God does for to the enormity of being healed from blindness. I feel that my story is pretty ordinary, and generally not worth sharing. However, I will be praying that God will reveal things that I need to be sharing with others. After all, that was one of my main goal in starting this blog, to help others by sharing my experiences.

Love Equals the Right to Speak Truth

The title of today's post came from Mark Hall, the lead singer for Casting Crowns. We were blessed to be able to attend their concert in Joplin this weekend with some of our friends. This one statement stood out to me because it sums up so much of what I want to say to people.

As I was reading a section of "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst this afternoon, this phrase came to mind again. She was discussing a passage of scripture in James 3 and how it relates to our need to control our reactions during time of raw emotion. This caused me to go back and read James 3 in its entirety.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. 

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the mouth come blessings and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. 

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable  gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. 

I added the bold lettering to the section which stood out to me most. I am guilty of falling into this, so please don't read my words as judgement or condemnation, but rather as a challenge for all of us to strive to improve in this area and to be able hold each other accountable as well. Success in any area of our lives will be attained more quickly when we bring others on board to help us on our journey.

How many of us go to church on Sunday and sing praises to the King, walk the walk, and talk the talk, then leave and make rude comments about the driver in front of us, pass judgement on someone we see, or bad mouth a co-worker who offended us? If you can relate, you are right there with me and probably everyone else we know who is a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't make us perfect, it makes us sinners save by grace. This verse also reminds me of another statement made by Mark Hall during the concert. I do not remember exactly how he phrased this, but basically he said that we as Christians need to stop criticizing lost people for sinning. It should be no surprise to us that they are sinning, they are lost after all! In tying that into the above verse it was a startling reminder that we are all created in God's, in his image. Who are we to criticize what God has made and made in his likeness none the less! Are we some how more suited to judge than God is? Are we somehow more qualified to determine people's weaknesses? If you break it down, the only difference among us is where we are at on our journey with God. Some of us have yet to begin, some of us have matured greatly and are working toward perfecting our walk, and the rest of us fall somewhere in between. I want to encourage all of us to have close relationships with someone who is further along the path to mentor us, someone who is at a similar stage to cheer us on and encourage us, and someone who is further behind us to pour into to them and encourage them on their journey.

Back to the title of today's post, "Love equals the right to speak truth." If we do not have love and do not have a relationship with individuals, we have no business discussing difficult topics with them. If these two qualifications are not met, despite our intentions, our actions will be perceived as  judgement and could possibly do more damage than good. Ultimately, if I had to sum my convictions, it would boil down to love and relationships.

We Learn As We Go

Prior to Greg and I having Aiden, our first child, someone had condemned our opinions on a few different topics. Their reasoning was that we were somehow less informed than they were due to the fact that they were a parent and we were not. This person then proceeded to inform us that we would be completely changed when we became parents and that we would then share their opinions. 

I am pleased to report that Greg and I are now parents, have been for nearly 2 years. However, we did not have the enlightening moment that was promised to us by this individual. For that I am thankful, my opinions were well informed and based in logic rather than emotion. I have however experienced a greater understanding of God our how our relationship is to be with him as a result of being a parent. For this enlightenment, I am forever grateful. 

The first change that I noticed was that I had a more comprehensive knowledge of unconditional love. It was amazing to me how I could love someone so completely and so instantly. Aiden did not have to do anything other than exist for me to love him. No matter how long the nights and how challenging the days, I loved him fully. I was simply overcome with the amount of love I felt and the amount of emotion I was experiencing. Being a "red" I am naturally not very emotional and had never experienced this much emotion. Of course throughout the Bible God is referred to as our Father. I did not have the opportunity to have my father in the home as I was growing up, and my relationship with my mother was very strained. As a result, I did not have experiential knowledge of what the parent child relationship is supposed to be. During the time that I laid in bed hoping and praying that Aiden would sleep I spent a significant amount of time in prayer and reflection. In these wee hours of the morning, I was blessed to start to comprehend what that relationship can and should be. I realized that no matter what God loved me and that he loved me enough that he made the ultimate sacrifice (one that I hope never to be faced with), of sacrificing his only son in order to save a flawed person like me from the damnation that I deserved. 

The second revelation I had occurred as Aiden and I were going shopping one day. As we got out of the car it occurred to me that Aiden trusts me completely. He didn't question where we were going or why, he simply knew that I would keep him safe and that there was a reason for our outing. This made me realize how many times I have questioned God through my life and wondered why. In that moment I realized that I needed to do better about trusting God the way Aiden trusts me and allow God to work, because he has my best interest in mind, as I do for Aiden. 

The third thing that I learned came during a mom's group. On this day we watched a DVD sermon by Pastor Dave Stone. He was speaking about his book "Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord". He described his parenting practice of first time obedience. I had not been exposed to this principle prior to this lesson. I have pondered this since this day, and still have mixed feelings about implementing it. However, he went on to say that it is important for us to teach our children to obey the first time we say/request something of them so that later in life they will obey God the first time. It was from this lesson that for the first time in my life I realized the impact that our parenting can have on our children's relationship/understanding of God. I don't know if it had never been explained to me, or I had never been exposed to this concept. But I was shocked that despite being raised in the church that I was just now understanding this principle. This caused me to reflect on how I was raised and how the parenting patterns that were established in my home have continued in my relationship with God. For example, everything was a discussion and debate when I was growing up. Now, as an adult, as I reflect, I have found that I have discussed and debated with God instead of being obedient. 

The final major realization that I have had is that just as any parent wishes to reward their children for good behavior, God wants to reward me for obedience. This has caused me to wonder what blessings I have missed out on due to my choosing not to obey the first time God asks something of me. Fortunately, God is a God of grace and forgiveness, and I will be able to improve in my abilities and avoid discussing and debating with God and will be able to live more closely to the life God has intended for me. 

I am thankful for the things that I have learned and will learn as a result of being a parent. And while the individual who condemned us prior to becoming parents was shortsighted, I am thankful for their words. Without them, I may not have been as aware of the things I have learned. 

Here's to keeping our eyes, ears, and minds open so that we don't miss a learning opportunity. 

Getting Vulnerable

So, in keeping it real, tonight I have decided to be vulnerable. I don't know what it is about the shower, but that is where I do a lot of my deep thinking. Anyone else find that to be true?

Tonight while I was in the shower I was thinking about my "why that will make you cry" (When you join ViSalus as a promoter they tell you to figure out why you are doing this to help keep yourself motivated.) It started out being to pay off debt so I could stay home with Aiden. Over the past few months it has developed into something more than that. I was blessed with reaching my goal of staying home in the month of October. In attaining that goal I was able to more fully understand the true blessing that it is and have developed a passion for wanting to help others attain that goal. I have also found a passion for the single parents out there. During the times that Greg has been traveling for work, I got a taste of the work, effort, and exhaustion that comes along with being a working single parent and want so badly to be able to help single parents be able to earn more money to provide more for their children while being home more

I realized in the shower that all of these goals and whys stem from growing up poor. There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to admit that and there was a time that I was so ashamed of that fact. But now I am able to realize that I didn't do anything to cause it and I don't have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. There are many things that I do or don't do as an adult that I can say relate specifically back to the fact that we were poor growing up. I do not shop at 2nd hand stores. (I do however love the consignment sales, because there savings is a sport :)). While growing up my clothes did not come from Goodwill or Salvation Army, they were too expensive for us. My clothes came from the .10 store, and in my opinion they were hideous. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself as a child because I cringe at the clothes I was wearing.

I also realized for the first time that growing up I never had a vacation until my mom remarried when I was in 7th grade. We went to visit family, but never a true vacation. I think the closest I can remember of having a vacation was when my uncle in CA paid for us to come visit....yeah, thinking back, that was a true vacation. I can remember going to Disneyland and Universal Studios, so I take that back, I had one vacation before my mom remarried. My siblings don't understand. They are much older than me and they grew up with both of our parents in the home and had a much better financial outlook than when I came on the scene. I have seen pictures of them on several family vacations.

I realized for the first time last year that I was cold growing up because my mom couldn't afford to heat the home properly. I am naturally cold by nature, and kinda on the cheap side, but I decided that now that I pay my utility bills, I will NEVER be cold! I don't care how much my electric runs, I will not be cold. As a child I had to sleep in my snow suit, now I sleep in as much or as little as I desire because I will be comfortable when I sleep.

When Greg and I were first married, he asked me if I was hungry growing up,  unfortunately, the answer was yes....I ate a lot of Ramen noodles, cheese tacos, and totinos pizzas. You would think that I wouldn't like these now, but I actually do, and when I'm in a hurry or don't know what else to make, these are the things I revert to (not so much now that I have the shakes that I can whip up).

Just the other day I was trying to identify why I have the strong urge to travel at Christmas. I realized that it was because growing up Christmas was pretty much just another day. I had a few small gifts and we had some decorations, but there wasn't anything that really stood out about Christmas. My Aunt Jan usually sent me something nice and that helped make it special. I especially liked the Christmases that we got to travel to my Aunt Jan's house. Primarily, because of all the family that was present. To this day, I want to travel and have as many people surrounding me as possible on Christmas. With all that said, I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and do not support the corporate holiday. But, I do enjoy giving gifts and trying to make the holiday special for those around me, especially children. I have found that during the holidays I miss my Aunt Jan more than other times of the year. I think that is because she did an amazing job of helping Christmas be Christmas. :)

Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't all bad. I know that my mom did what she could with what she had. And I have some pleasant memories too! Just pleasant memories are vulnerable :)

Had my mom not remarried, I don't know what my life would look like today. I am forever grateful to my step-dad for many reasons, too many to numerate here tonight. But as they apply to the topic at hand, he obviously helped improve our finances. He is a retired teacher, so as you can imagine we weren't living large, but we had a very nice and comfortable life. I can't say what role exactly he played in helping me decide to go to college, but I know that he was an important influence on this decision.

Basically, the bottom line, is that I am changing my family's financial outlook because my children will no be hungry, cold, and will not graduate with with insane education debt that my husband and I did. They will be able to have family vacations and Christmas will not be another day of the year

Please do not come away from this thinking that I am materialistic or whatever. The truth is that I want to be able to provide my children with more than I had and that I want to be able to give of my time, energy, and financially. We have a modest, comfortable life and for that I am grateful.

Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am choosing not to reread this as it was painful enough to write it and I am not ready to relive it again :)

Here's to getting vulnerable!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Something we are all familiar with and probably all think that we know how to accomplish it. We tell people we have forgiven them, but have we truly forgiven them?

Forgive: Transitive Verb
1 a: to give up resentment of our claim to requital for 
   b: To grant relief from payment of 
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) -Merriam Webster Online Dictionary

I must say that I am pleased to see that it is a verb. I'll be honest; I had to look up to see what constitutes a transitive verb. I scored very high on my GRE writing section, but, when it comes to knowing the formal grammar rules, I'm pretty sure I forgot that at graduation. 

Anyway, forgiveness is more than a verb, it is a choice. It is a choice that requires much more than the single decision to tell someone you have forgiven them. It is a choice that requires you to relinquish all emotion that is affiliated with the offense and the person who committed the offense. 

Something that I think is important to discuss is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things that are often thought of as happening together. Forgiveness only requires one person, me. Reconciliation requires two people, me and the offender. Forgiveness only benefits me and unforgiveness only harms me. Reconciliation can only happen if the other person involved is willing to change in some capacity that will allow the relationship to continue in a healthy manner. Reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness. There are no "I would forgive that person if only..." I would forgive them, but..." Those are statements more suitable for reconciliation. 

I thought that I understood forgiveness and had forgiven many people in my life until I had a true understanding of forgiveness. This revelation started a few years ago, but became very real when Dr. Bev Smallwood came and spoke in Joplin after the tornado. She gave the illustration that by not forgiving someone you are bringing them to bed with you every night. She then spoke of a woman who during one of her previous presentations who stood up and declared that she just realized that she had been sleeping with her ex-husband for X number of years. Isn't it funny that when we lay down at night to sleep, our mind starts to wander and we start to remember all of the offenses that we hold on to so tightly, offenses that we had "forgiven". 

As I started the journey to true forgiveness, I realized that before a person can truly forgive, they must first be able to forgive themselves. My journey started by examining my life and all of the things I held myself guilty for. I then dissected them and forgave myself of any wrong doing that I had in that occurrence. In doing this, I not only forgave myself, but for the first time allowed myself to fully experience the forgiveness of God. 

The next step on this journey was to forgive the few individuals in my life that had hurt me so deeply that I carried the offense with me. When I say that we are the only ones who suffer because of our unforgiveness, it is true. The other individuals had no idea that I was still raging mad at them. They had no ill effects in their life because of my unforgiveness toward them. I thought I had forgiven them, but realized I hadn't when I relished in their pain in their individual lives. It's difficult to admit that, but it is true and I'm certain I am not the only person for whom that is true, just one who is willing to admit it. True forgiveness did not come overnight. Some of this pain I had carried with me from my childhood, the longer I had carried the pain and the deeper the wound, the more difficult it was to choose forgiveness. With time and prayer, I was able to relinquish all pain and emotions related to these individuals and the offenses. One thing that I found especially helpful was to pray for the individual each time I thought of them. Forgiveness is not our natural tendency, I believe that due to our sinful nature that unforgiveness is what comes naturally to us. Therefore, I found that by praying for individuals each time I thought of them, eventually, I no longer thought about them. Because if it is Satan who wants me to harbor the pain and unforgiveness, and is therefore causing me to think of these people he will quickly stop if I lift them up in prayer. Also, this was a stepping stone for me, as there were some individuals who I refused to pray for, despite requests to do so. 

As a result of finding true forgiveness, I can say that I feel lighter and less burdened. I am now able to live life more fully. I have not reconciled with most of the individuals who are referenced above and do not plan to do so due to their lack of change and to protect myself from further harm. But that does not keep me from experiencing the full benefit of a life free from resentment. 

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Here's to forgiving fully and living life without resentment. 

Anticipation is building each day as I become one day closer to being a stay at home mom. This has been my goal since I found out I was pregnant. I knew that it would not be a reality initially, due to Greg's job situation. But I knew that it would work out. I knew this, because it was not my plan. I had my plan for my life, and it did not include being a stay at home mom. It was more of a career driven plan. Therefore, I knew that the burning desire that I had to be a stay at home mom could have only been a part of God's plan for my life, hence how I knew it would come to fruition. 

I struggled with not being able to stay home for a very long time both during the pregnancy and after Aiden was born. I had many periods of time where I would beg and plead with God to make this happen. Many evenings were spent in tears in the shower, again, begging and pleading for this to be a reality. It was during this time that I also struggled with how to pray and does God really want to hear the same thing over and over again? I figured, I don't like hearing the same thing over and over again, and He is the all knowing God, so surely He doesn't want to hear it over and over again. He knows the desires of my heart, after all, He's the one who put them there! As I struggled with this, I read somewhere that God wants us to be persistent. He wants us to come to him over and over again with the same topics. 

I am blessed that my prayers have been answered and I will soon get to experience the joys of full time motherhood, as well as the trials. I believe that God did not allow me to stay home initially because I wasn't ready for it, no matter how ready I thought I was. I think that had I always been able to stay home, I would have constantly been thinking about what it is like to be a working mom, and would have been trying to decide if I had made the correct decision. I'm sure I would have been filled with doubts of not being cut out for it. But, now that I have experienced being a working mom, I believe that I will be able to more fully appreciate the blessing of staying home. I hate it when Aiden is sick, but those have been my favorite days when I get to stay home with him. It just feels like all is right in the world and it has given me confirmation that I'm making the right choice for me and for my family. 

As far as I know, I came up with this saying on my own...but you never know what seeds may have been planted that caused me to think of it...so, if I should be giving credit to someone, please let me know.

"We are all just people, living life the best that we know how with the tools that we have."

This is a saying that I truly believe and try to remember. I remind myself of this at times when I find that I may be looking down on or judging someone. I think that it is easy for us to start to think that we are better than people, for many different reasons. I don't have to list the reasons, I'm sure a flood of them come to mind when you start to think about it.

One particular reason that stands out to me is treating people differently because they are poor. I have been working with some of the poorest people for the last 3 years, and the one thing that I know, is that they are people with hopes and dreams the same as you and I. They are living their life the best that the know how with the tools that they have available to them. I have spent my time and effort trying to improve their tools so that they can get closet to obtaining their goals, whatever that may be.

It seems that people who live in trailers get made fun of the most. I can think of several derogatory sayings that  are aimed at people living in trailers. I truly don't understand that. It is a home, a home that they can afford. Who are we to judge them for living within their means! And just because a person lives in a trailer does not mean that they are poor. Maybe it is just that having a fancy house doesn't align with their goals. Maybe they choose to have a less expensive home in order to achieve their other financial goals. We all make financial decisions every day, and not all of us have the same financial goals. Some people prefer a fancy home, some prefer a fancy car, some to be able to travel, some to be debt free.

My mom was very poor while I was a young child and we lived in a trailer. I felt the judgement of others and I was made very aware that we were "less" because of her income. Now looking back, how sad that a young child should feel this way and be aware of the judgments of other children and adults.  I was embarrassed of the clothes I had, the car she drove, and that we lived in a trailer. But, now looking back I am not embarrassed of these things, they are all in material and are very insignificant in the grand scheme of life. She did a good job of creating a nice home and providing the best she could with what she had, and ultimately is that what we are all doing, just on different scales?

Here's to remembering we are all just people, living life the best we know how with the tools that we have.