So, in keeping it real, tonight I have decided to be vulnerable. I don't know what it is about the shower, but that is where I do a lot of my deep thinking. Anyone else find that to be true?
Tonight while I was in the shower I was thinking about my "why that will make you cry" (When you join ViSalus as a promoter they tell you to figure out why you are doing this to help keep yourself motivated.) It started out being to pay off debt so I could stay home with Aiden. Over the past few months it has developed into something more than that. I was blessed with reaching my goal of staying home in the month of October. In attaining that goal I was able to more fully understand the true blessing that it is and have developed a passion for wanting to help others attain that goal. I have also found a passion for the single parents out there. During the times that Greg has been traveling for work, I got a taste of the work, effort, and exhaustion that comes along with being a working single parent and want so badly to be able to help single parents be able to earn more money to provide more for their children while being home more
I realized in the shower that all of these goals and whys stem from growing up poor. There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to admit that and there was a time that I was so ashamed of that fact. But now I am able to realize that I didn't do anything to cause it and I don't have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. There are many things that I do or don't do as an adult that I can say relate specifically back to the fact that we were poor growing up. I do not shop at 2nd hand stores. (I do however love the consignment sales, because there savings is a sport :)). While growing up my clothes did not come from Goodwill or Salvation Army, they were too expensive for us. My clothes came from the .10 store, and in my opinion they were hideous. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself as a child because I cringe at the clothes I was wearing.
I also realized for the first time that growing up I never had a vacation until my mom remarried when I was in 7th grade. We went to visit family, but never a true vacation. I think the closest I can remember of having a vacation was when my uncle in CA paid for us to come visit....yeah, thinking back, that was a true vacation. I can remember going to Disneyland and Universal Studios, so I take that back, I had one vacation before my mom remarried. My siblings don't understand. They are much older than me and they grew up with both of our parents in the home and had a much better financial outlook than when I came on the scene. I have seen pictures of them on several family vacations.
I realized for the first time last year that I was cold growing up because my mom couldn't afford to heat the home properly. I am naturally cold by nature, and kinda on the cheap side, but I decided that now that I pay my utility bills, I will NEVER be cold! I don't care how much my electric runs, I will not be cold. As a child I had to sleep in my snow suit, now I sleep in as much or as little as I desire because I will be comfortable when I sleep.
When Greg and I were first married, he asked me if I was hungry growing up, unfortunately, the answer was yes....I ate a lot of Ramen noodles, cheese tacos, and totinos pizzas. You would think that I wouldn't like these now, but I actually do, and when I'm in a hurry or don't know what else to make, these are the things I revert to (not so much now that I have the shakes that I can whip up).
Just the other day I was trying to identify why I have the strong urge to travel at Christmas. I realized that it was because growing up Christmas was pretty much just another day. I had a few small gifts and we had some decorations, but there wasn't anything that really stood out about Christmas. My Aunt Jan usually sent me something nice and that helped make it special. I especially liked the Christmases that we got to travel to my Aunt Jan's house. Primarily, because of all the family that was present. To this day, I want to travel and have as many people surrounding me as possible on Christmas. With all that said, I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and do not support the corporate holiday. But, I do enjoy giving gifts and trying to make the holiday special for those around me, especially children. I have found that during the holidays I miss my Aunt Jan more than other times of the year. I think that is because she did an amazing job of helping Christmas be Christmas. :)
Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't all bad. I know that my mom did what she could with what she had. And I have some pleasant memories too! Just pleasant memories are vulnerable :)
Had my mom not remarried, I don't know what my life would look like today. I am forever grateful to my step-dad for many reasons, too many to numerate here tonight. But as they apply to the topic at hand, he obviously helped improve our finances. He is a retired teacher, so as you can imagine we weren't living large, but we had a very nice and comfortable life. I can't say what role exactly he played in helping me decide to go to college, but I know that he was an important influence on this decision.
Basically, the bottom line, is that I am changing my family's financial outlook because my children will no be hungry, cold, and will not graduate with with insane education debt that my husband and I did. They will be able to have family vacations and Christmas will not be another day of the year
Please do not come away from this thinking that I am materialistic or whatever. The truth is that I want to be able to provide my children with more than I had and that I want to be able to give of my time, energy, and financially. We have a modest, comfortable life and for that I am grateful.
Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am choosing not to reread this as it was painful enough to write it and I am not ready to relive it again :)
Here's to getting vulnerable!
