Choosing to Trust

As some of you may be aware, my husband was laid off from his job recently. This has been difficult news for all the obvious reasons. Having been through this two times prior, it is not nearly as scary this time as it was in the past. However, it is more difficult this time since this is the first time that I have not been working when we received the news...making it harder to absorb the loss of income. 

The news is always devastating and it feels like the bottom just fell out from under you. Fortunately, this time it was a little bit easier because of our past experiences we can look back and see how God has provided for our needs and cared for us during these times. As a result of being put in this position again, I found myself contemplating a myriad of potential causes:  is there is a lesson that we keep not learning, have we done something to deserve this as a punishment, is this a challenge to our faith, to offer a sampling. 

As I reflected back on the previous times we have been here, I noticed that I did not do a good job of digging into God, relying on Him and fully trusting in His plan and provision. Most of the time I could say all the right things, but at the end of the day, I didn't believe them in my heart. Toward the end of the 2nd lay off, there was a time that I could not even say that I trusted God. The words were too painful. I was so hurt and devastated by the situation and it kept dragging on and there seemed to be no end in sight. As a result of these revelations, I made the choice to dig into to God and trust in His plan, time, and provision. 

My husband made an interesting observation as he reflected on the past experiences as well. He noted that each time this has happened the timing has been correlated with increased involvement in the church. Which also correlates to our feeling more settled into life and being able to give more of ourselves. It wasn't until I considered this along with a comment posted by my Facebook wall by a dear friend that I looked at this situation as a spiritual attack. My friend, Heather, posted: "I truly believe you are where you are supposed to be. Satan would not be attacking you so hard if you were not doing something right. We love you guys and your ministry here is so powerful! Satan knows that and is trying to stop you.I hate that you guys are going through this but you have a great support here that loves you guys!"

For whatever reason, I have not generally been a person who has assigned spiritual significance to most negative happenings in my life. I just kind of accept them as a part of life, get through it as best we can, and move on to the next challenge. I think one reason, is that I have never really considered myself worthy of an attack from Satan. I guess that I don't necessarily recognize the impact that I have and can have on others and their spirituality. But when I considered everything together and had my eyes opened to a new perspective, things clicked and made a little more sense. 

As a result of all this pondering that has been happening, I have made the choice to dig into God and to simply trust. Satan will not win this battle, because I already know who has won the war. I have felt a strong tug to withdrawn from my activities and support systems, but now I know who wants that and why. So, I am choosing to maintain my current level of involvement in my activities, regardless of the battle that ensues within me each and every morning. 

To link this to the stages of grief, I skipped denial, I think it is unproductive and a waste of time in this scenario (I'm a red after all). That is not to say that denial doesn't have it's place, because I know that in some instances, it is a very valuable protector of our mental health. I went right into anger, first was anger at God. This lasted about 3-4 days. Then I was angry at a very large segment of our population for a few days. Skipped bargaining, again, just not for me in this situation. Next came sadness and the desire to withdraw and isolate. The sadness was brief, but the desire to withdraw still lingers. Then on to acceptance and my choices listed above. A few days ago I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of peace. It goes against all logic and all of my humanness that has a plan for how to minimize the damage and best survive the storm. I guess it is best to describe it as the peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) 

As of today, I can say and believe that it will all be OK and everything is going to work out. God's got this, and His plan is so much more perfect than mine could ever be. He sees the whole picture after all.  

Lessons from Jonah

I started a new devotional book today. It is a book intended to help find healing, today's particular lesson looked at miracles that Jesus had preformed in healing people and storms he had calmed. One reading was out of the book of Jonah. As a person who was raised in the church, I have been familiar with the story of Jonah since I was a child. Being a "red" I don't often like to review things that I already know. But after reading the first chapter as suggested by my book, I felt inspired to read the whole story. It is only 4 chapters long and is a quick read. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story I will provide a brief synopsis. 

God asked Jonah to go to Nineveh to and preach against their wickedness. Jonah chose not to obey, but to take a boat in the opposite direction of Nineveh. On the boat, he went below deck and fell asleep. While he was sleeping, a huge storm came over the area and everyone on board became afraid for their lives. They called upon their various gods, to no avail. In verse 7 of chapter 1 it says that they cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity and that the lot fell on Jonah. He then explained that in order to stop the storm and save themselves, they would need to throw him in the sea. They did not want to do this, but ultimately realized that they must to save themselves. Prior to throwing him in, they asked forgiveness from God. Immediately after they threw him in, the sea grew calm. This caused the people to fear the Lord and offer him sacrifices. 

God caused a large fish to come and swallow Jonah. Jonah spent 3 day and 3 nights there and prayed to the Lord. The Lord then commanded the fist to spit Jonah onto dry land. At this time Jonah followed God's request for him to go to Nineveh. On his first day in Nineveh, he proclaimed, " Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned." Amazingly, the people headed his words, and fasted, and changed their ways. As a result of their changes, God had compassion on them and did not destroy them. Jonah became angry that God spared their lives. 

There are a few things that I found particularly interesting. One being that the act of casting lots allowed them to determine that Jonah was the cause of the storm. I am not a Bible scholar, nor am I a history buff, so if you are aware of a more in  depth explanation of this act, I welcome your input in the comments section. Basically, this seems to be a game of chance, a something that would be similar in today's world is flipping a coin. I found it interesting that God intervened and used something of chance to reveal the person responsible for the storm. 

The second thing that stood out to me was that as a result of the immediate calming of the storm upon throwing Jonah in the men began to make sacrifices and vows to God. I saw this as pretty amazing that by witnessing one act these men, who had worshiped other gods turned to God  because he had control of the wind and waves. I also saw this as a reminder that God can use us in the most unlikely ways and situations to bring others to know Him and His power. 

The final thing that stood out to me was Jonah's reaction to the people of Nineveh's change in behavior. Initially when I read this, I expected him to be happy that he followed God and as a result had a part in the preservation of an entire city. I put myself in his place, I felt that I would have been relieved to know that I had done what was right and that I had received a visual confirmation of this in their conversion. Again, I think if I had a better understanding of the history relating to this story, I would be able to explain this better, again, I am unable. However, from the study section of my Bible, it explains that "The Jews did not want to share God's message with the Gentile nations in Jonah's day." (NIV Life Application Bible) Jonah believed that these people were evil and deserved to be destroyed for their choices. I have to be honest here, I am not proud to admit, but there have been times in my life when I have been like Jonah. There have been a few individuals in my life who hurt me so deeply that I wished condemnation on them. I have been guilty of saying that I wish they would die and go to Hell. I said that I refused to pray for them and their salvation, because I believed that they did not deserve God's grace and salvation. I am happy to admit that at this time, I have forgiven these people and I no longer wish such things upon them. Feel free to read my post on forgiveness for help learning how to forgive those who have wronged you here:  http://www.followaprilsjourney.blogspot.com/2012/11/forgiveness.html

I also wonder what happened to Jonah after this. It seems that he became bitter as a result of this experience as he says that he is angry enough to die.  In a quick internet search, I learned that we don't know more about Jonah's story from the Bible, as this is the last reference to him while he was alive. It makes me wonder if he gave up his ministry because of this one incident. If so, how sad. 

I had something else that I was wondering about, but as I sit here writing, while trying to manage a toddler and keep him off of the computer, my last thing that I was pondering is gone. I'm sure it will come to me at some point. 

I hope to never forget the important lesson I learned from Jonah and I hope to never be a Jonah again. 

What God's been teaching me

I have been reading the book "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It is amazing and has helped me see things in a new perspective. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It will transform your prayer life forever. As a result of this book, I have been devoting more time to prayer and have a better understanding of how to pray . I also feel like I have learned a couple things about myself as a result of reading this book, lessons at church, and through my improved prayer life. One thing that I learned and am still working on came from a combination of all three of the above mentioned resources.

I have learned that I tend to be a little bit like Sarah from the Old Testament....no, I'm not sending my husband off to sleep with someone else so he can have a child. I'm like Sarah in that I tend to become impatient and try to do things in my own time and in my own strength, rather than praying through and waiting on the Lord. One recent example that comes to mind is my decision to promote the Body By Vi 90 day challenge. At the time I decided to promote, I was desperate to be able to be a stay at home mom and raise my son. I had prayed about this earnestly for a long time and things were looking positive, but not definite. In hindsight, I can now say that I took matters into my own hand and tried to force it into happening rather than being patient and praying through. As a result of doing this, I believe that I robbed God of some of his glory in providing for us so that I can stay home and be a full time mom.

As a result of learning this about myself, I have started to examine this tendency. I have known that I am a very strong person, while this is a characteristic I like about myself, I think that it can be a downfall. When I get impatient and want something to happen, if things aren't progressing the way that I think they should be, I turn to myself and my strength to do what I can to make it happen. In doing so, I short change myself from the blessings that could come from allowing God to do it perfectly in His perfect time. I also short change God, in that I don't fully recognize what He has done for me and don't give Him adequate praise. One thing that I have been praying for and working on since this revelation, is that God will show me His fingerprints in my life so that I may be able to give Him the thanks and praise that is due Him.

Another thing that struck me came as a result of our sermon this morning. Our pastor preached on the healing of the blind man in John 9. I don't remember exactly how he phrased it, but he made a statement to the effect of "We should all be sharing the miracles that God has done in our lives". He then went on to make the point that while we may not have been healed from blindness, we have experienced miracles. One being the life that Jesus saved us from. That caused me to think about the miracles I have had in my life. In some ways I think this ties into the above thoughts on my difficulty to recognize the hand of God in my life. Obviously, I am not blind, and I have been blessed not to have anything as serious as that in my life. But, I need to learn to liken the things that God does for to the enormity of being healed from blindness. I feel that my story is pretty ordinary, and generally not worth sharing. However, I will be praying that God will reveal things that I need to be sharing with others. After all, that was one of my main goal in starting this blog, to help others by sharing my experiences.

Love Equals the Right to Speak Truth

The title of today's post came from Mark Hall, the lead singer for Casting Crowns. We were blessed to be able to attend their concert in Joplin this weekend with some of our friends. This one statement stood out to me because it sums up so much of what I want to say to people.

As I was reading a section of "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst this afternoon, this phrase came to mind again. She was discussing a passage of scripture in James 3 and how it relates to our need to control our reactions during time of raw emotion. This caused me to go back and read James 3 in its entirety.

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. 

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the mouth come blessings and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. 

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable  gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. 

I added the bold lettering to the section which stood out to me most. I am guilty of falling into this, so please don't read my words as judgement or condemnation, but rather as a challenge for all of us to strive to improve in this area and to be able hold each other accountable as well. Success in any area of our lives will be attained more quickly when we bring others on board to help us on our journey.

How many of us go to church on Sunday and sing praises to the King, walk the walk, and talk the talk, then leave and make rude comments about the driver in front of us, pass judgement on someone we see, or bad mouth a co-worker who offended us? If you can relate, you are right there with me and probably everyone else we know who is a Christian. Being a Christian doesn't make us perfect, it makes us sinners save by grace. This verse also reminds me of another statement made by Mark Hall during the concert. I do not remember exactly how he phrased this, but basically he said that we as Christians need to stop criticizing lost people for sinning. It should be no surprise to us that they are sinning, they are lost after all! In tying that into the above verse it was a startling reminder that we are all created in God's, in his image. Who are we to criticize what God has made and made in his likeness none the less! Are we some how more suited to judge than God is? Are we somehow more qualified to determine people's weaknesses? If you break it down, the only difference among us is where we are at on our journey with God. Some of us have yet to begin, some of us have matured greatly and are working toward perfecting our walk, and the rest of us fall somewhere in between. I want to encourage all of us to have close relationships with someone who is further along the path to mentor us, someone who is at a similar stage to cheer us on and encourage us, and someone who is further behind us to pour into to them and encourage them on their journey.

Back to the title of today's post, "Love equals the right to speak truth." If we do not have love and do not have a relationship with individuals, we have no business discussing difficult topics with them. If these two qualifications are not met, despite our intentions, our actions will be perceived as  judgement and could possibly do more damage than good. Ultimately, if I had to sum my convictions, it would boil down to love and relationships.

We Learn As We Go

Prior to Greg and I having Aiden, our first child, someone had condemned our opinions on a few different topics. Their reasoning was that we were somehow less informed than they were due to the fact that they were a parent and we were not. This person then proceeded to inform us that we would be completely changed when we became parents and that we would then share their opinions. 

I am pleased to report that Greg and I are now parents, have been for nearly 2 years. However, we did not have the enlightening moment that was promised to us by this individual. For that I am thankful, my opinions were well informed and based in logic rather than emotion. I have however experienced a greater understanding of God our how our relationship is to be with him as a result of being a parent. For this enlightenment, I am forever grateful. 

The first change that I noticed was that I had a more comprehensive knowledge of unconditional love. It was amazing to me how I could love someone so completely and so instantly. Aiden did not have to do anything other than exist for me to love him. No matter how long the nights and how challenging the days, I loved him fully. I was simply overcome with the amount of love I felt and the amount of emotion I was experiencing. Being a "red" I am naturally not very emotional and had never experienced this much emotion. Of course throughout the Bible God is referred to as our Father. I did not have the opportunity to have my father in the home as I was growing up, and my relationship with my mother was very strained. As a result, I did not have experiential knowledge of what the parent child relationship is supposed to be. During the time that I laid in bed hoping and praying that Aiden would sleep I spent a significant amount of time in prayer and reflection. In these wee hours of the morning, I was blessed to start to comprehend what that relationship can and should be. I realized that no matter what God loved me and that he loved me enough that he made the ultimate sacrifice (one that I hope never to be faced with), of sacrificing his only son in order to save a flawed person like me from the damnation that I deserved. 

The second revelation I had occurred as Aiden and I were going shopping one day. As we got out of the car it occurred to me that Aiden trusts me completely. He didn't question where we were going or why, he simply knew that I would keep him safe and that there was a reason for our outing. This made me realize how many times I have questioned God through my life and wondered why. In that moment I realized that I needed to do better about trusting God the way Aiden trusts me and allow God to work, because he has my best interest in mind, as I do for Aiden. 

The third thing that I learned came during a mom's group. On this day we watched a DVD sermon by Pastor Dave Stone. He was speaking about his book "Raising Your Kids to Love the Lord". He described his parenting practice of first time obedience. I had not been exposed to this principle prior to this lesson. I have pondered this since this day, and still have mixed feelings about implementing it. However, he went on to say that it is important for us to teach our children to obey the first time we say/request something of them so that later in life they will obey God the first time. It was from this lesson that for the first time in my life I realized the impact that our parenting can have on our children's relationship/understanding of God. I don't know if it had never been explained to me, or I had never been exposed to this concept. But I was shocked that despite being raised in the church that I was just now understanding this principle. This caused me to reflect on how I was raised and how the parenting patterns that were established in my home have continued in my relationship with God. For example, everything was a discussion and debate when I was growing up. Now, as an adult, as I reflect, I have found that I have discussed and debated with God instead of being obedient. 

The final major realization that I have had is that just as any parent wishes to reward their children for good behavior, God wants to reward me for obedience. This has caused me to wonder what blessings I have missed out on due to my choosing not to obey the first time God asks something of me. Fortunately, God is a God of grace and forgiveness, and I will be able to improve in my abilities and avoid discussing and debating with God and will be able to live more closely to the life God has intended for me. 

I am thankful for the things that I have learned and will learn as a result of being a parent. And while the individual who condemned us prior to becoming parents was shortsighted, I am thankful for their words. Without them, I may not have been as aware of the things I have learned. 

Here's to keeping our eyes, ears, and minds open so that we don't miss a learning opportunity.