Recently I have found myself shaking my head and asking "What is wrong with people?" I'm sure that I wonder this about many different things, but what is on my mind today related to apologies. I don't understand why people are so ineffective with their apologies. I have been the recipient of 3 really crummy apologies recently and had one of my apologies go completely unrecognized.
So, who has actually contemplated what makes an apology effective? Maybe you all know some people who are great at apologizing and so you've never had the need to contemplate this. Well, I've identified a few components that are necessary for helping an apology accomplish its goal of promoting healing and clearing the air after someone has been wronged.
- It needs to be genuine and specific. Avoid sarcasm.
- Use an empathy statement to demonstration to the person that you have thought about what you did and how it made them feel.
- Accept responsibility for your actions.
- Don't make excuses.
- When someone apologizes to you, at minimum, recognize the apology,even if you need time to process it before you feel that you can accept it.
I've found some gray area when it comes to not making excuses. I know that when I have done something deserving of an apology, it was usually done unintentionally. As a result, I often want to share what my intentions were so that the person can understand my motivation better. Here's the gray area: What is a reason to me, can very easily be perceived as an excuse by the recipient. So, in this case, we need to weigh our motivations and intentions in sharing our reasons for the offense and make sure that they are pure. I think that it would then be appropriate to try to think about how they will be perceived by the recipient and then decide if it would be helpful to share the intentions or not.
I've spent a little bit of time thinking about why is it so hard for us to apologize. The thing that comes to mind is that we have to humble ourselves to apologize effectively. As someone who doesn't go around purposefully committing offenses, I find apologizing to be fairly easy and freeing. Freeing in that it allows the relationship to be restored and often strengthened. Now, I will admit, that when I have done something that is more overtly wrong, it is much more difficult to apologize and to apologize well. It is a much more humbling experience and can be somewhat painful. But in the end it is still worth it to admit fault to promote healing and restoration.
In writing this, I've been reminded of an apology that I owe someone. So looks like I've got a phone call to make later. What about you? Who do you need to apologize to? What excuses are you going to choose to leave out of that apology? How will this help restore your relationship?
I'd love to know your thoughts on apologies. I have by no means exhausted this topic! Just a brief glimpse into my own observations. Comment below to share your thoughts.
Here's to apologizing and doing it well!
