As some of you may be aware, my husband was laid off from his job recently. This has been difficult news for all the obvious reasons. Having been through this two times prior, it is not nearly as scary this time as it was in the past. However, it is more difficult this time since this is the first time that I have not been working when we received the news...making it harder to absorb the loss of income.
The news is always devastating and it feels like the bottom just fell out from under you. Fortunately, this time it was a little bit easier because of our past experiences we can look back and see how God has provided for our needs and cared for us during these times. As a result of being put in this position again, I found myself contemplating a myriad of potential causes: is there is a lesson that we keep not learning, have we done something to deserve this as a punishment, is this a challenge to our faith, to offer a sampling.
As I reflected back on the previous times we have been here, I noticed that I did not do a good job of digging into God, relying on Him and fully trusting in His plan and provision. Most of the time I could say all the right things, but at the end of the day, I didn't believe them in my heart. Toward the end of the 2nd lay off, there was a time that I could not even say that I trusted God. The words were too painful. I was so hurt and devastated by the situation and it kept dragging on and there seemed to be no end in sight. As a result of these revelations, I made the choice to dig into to God and trust in His plan, time, and provision.
My husband made an interesting observation as he reflected on the past experiences as well. He noted that each time this has happened the timing has been correlated with increased involvement in the church. Which also correlates to our feeling more settled into life and being able to give more of ourselves. It wasn't until I considered this along with a comment posted by my Facebook wall by a dear friend that I looked at this situation as a spiritual attack. My friend, Heather, posted: "I truly believe you are where you are supposed to be. Satan would not be attacking you so hard if you were not doing something right. We love you guys and your ministry here is so powerful! Satan knows that and is trying to stop you.I hate that you guys are going through this but you have a great support here that loves you guys!"
For whatever reason, I have not generally been a person who has assigned spiritual significance to most negative happenings in my life. I just kind of accept them as a part of life, get through it as best we can, and move on to the next challenge. I think one reason, is that I have never really considered myself worthy of an attack from Satan. I guess that I don't necessarily recognize the impact that I have and can have on others and their spirituality. But when I considered everything together and had my eyes opened to a new perspective, things clicked and made a little more sense.
As a result of all this pondering that has been happening, I have made the choice to dig into God and to simply trust. Satan will not win this battle, because I already know who has won the war. I have felt a strong tug to withdrawn from my activities and support systems, but now I know who wants that and why. So, I am choosing to maintain my current level of involvement in my activities, regardless of the battle that ensues within me each and every morning.
To link this to the stages of grief, I skipped denial, I think it is unproductive and a waste of time in this scenario (I'm a red after all). That is not to say that denial doesn't have it's place, because I know that in some instances, it is a very valuable protector of our mental health. I went right into anger, first was anger at God. This lasted about 3-4 days. Then I was angry at a very large segment of our population for a few days. Skipped bargaining, again, just not for me in this situation. Next came sadness and the desire to withdraw and isolate. The sadness was brief, but the desire to withdraw still lingers. Then on to acceptance and my choices listed above. A few days ago I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of peace. It goes against all logic and all of my humanness that has a plan for how to minimize the damage and best survive the storm. I guess it is best to describe it as the peace that surpasses all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
As of today, I can say and believe that it will all be OK and everything is going to work out. God's got this, and His plan is so much more perfect than mine could ever be. He sees the whole picture after all.
