Getting Vulnerable

So, in keeping it real, tonight I have decided to be vulnerable. I don't know what it is about the shower, but that is where I do a lot of my deep thinking. Anyone else find that to be true?

Tonight while I was in the shower I was thinking about my "why that will make you cry" (When you join ViSalus as a promoter they tell you to figure out why you are doing this to help keep yourself motivated.) It started out being to pay off debt so I could stay home with Aiden. Over the past few months it has developed into something more than that. I was blessed with reaching my goal of staying home in the month of October. In attaining that goal I was able to more fully understand the true blessing that it is and have developed a passion for wanting to help others attain that goal. I have also found a passion for the single parents out there. During the times that Greg has been traveling for work, I got a taste of the work, effort, and exhaustion that comes along with being a working single parent and want so badly to be able to help single parents be able to earn more money to provide more for their children while being home more

I realized in the shower that all of these goals and whys stem from growing up poor. There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to admit that and there was a time that I was so ashamed of that fact. But now I am able to realize that I didn't do anything to cause it and I don't have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. There are many things that I do or don't do as an adult that I can say relate specifically back to the fact that we were poor growing up. I do not shop at 2nd hand stores. (I do however love the consignment sales, because there savings is a sport :)). While growing up my clothes did not come from Goodwill or Salvation Army, they were too expensive for us. My clothes came from the .10 store, and in my opinion they were hideous. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself as a child because I cringe at the clothes I was wearing.

I also realized for the first time that growing up I never had a vacation until my mom remarried when I was in 7th grade. We went to visit family, but never a true vacation. I think the closest I can remember of having a vacation was when my uncle in CA paid for us to come visit....yeah, thinking back, that was a true vacation. I can remember going to Disneyland and Universal Studios, so I take that back, I had one vacation before my mom remarried. My siblings don't understand. They are much older than me and they grew up with both of our parents in the home and had a much better financial outlook than when I came on the scene. I have seen pictures of them on several family vacations.

I realized for the first time last year that I was cold growing up because my mom couldn't afford to heat the home properly. I am naturally cold by nature, and kinda on the cheap side, but I decided that now that I pay my utility bills, I will NEVER be cold! I don't care how much my electric runs, I will not be cold. As a child I had to sleep in my snow suit, now I sleep in as much or as little as I desire because I will be comfortable when I sleep.

When Greg and I were first married, he asked me if I was hungry growing up,  unfortunately, the answer was yes....I ate a lot of Ramen noodles, cheese tacos, and totinos pizzas. You would think that I wouldn't like these now, but I actually do, and when I'm in a hurry or don't know what else to make, these are the things I revert to (not so much now that I have the shakes that I can whip up).

Just the other day I was trying to identify why I have the strong urge to travel at Christmas. I realized that it was because growing up Christmas was pretty much just another day. I had a few small gifts and we had some decorations, but there wasn't anything that really stood out about Christmas. My Aunt Jan usually sent me something nice and that helped make it special. I especially liked the Christmases that we got to travel to my Aunt Jan's house. Primarily, because of all the family that was present. To this day, I want to travel and have as many people surrounding me as possible on Christmas. With all that said, I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and do not support the corporate holiday. But, I do enjoy giving gifts and trying to make the holiday special for those around me, especially children. I have found that during the holidays I miss my Aunt Jan more than other times of the year. I think that is because she did an amazing job of helping Christmas be Christmas. :)

Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't all bad. I know that my mom did what she could with what she had. And I have some pleasant memories too! Just pleasant memories are vulnerable :)

Had my mom not remarried, I don't know what my life would look like today. I am forever grateful to my step-dad for many reasons, too many to numerate here tonight. But as they apply to the topic at hand, he obviously helped improve our finances. He is a retired teacher, so as you can imagine we weren't living large, but we had a very nice and comfortable life. I can't say what role exactly he played in helping me decide to go to college, but I know that he was an important influence on this decision.

Basically, the bottom line, is that I am changing my family's financial outlook because my children will no be hungry, cold, and will not graduate with with insane education debt that my husband and I did. They will be able to have family vacations and Christmas will not be another day of the year

Please do not come away from this thinking that I am materialistic or whatever. The truth is that I want to be able to provide my children with more than I had and that I want to be able to give of my time, energy, and financially. We have a modest, comfortable life and for that I am grateful.

Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I am choosing not to reread this as it was painful enough to write it and I am not ready to relive it again :)

Here's to getting vulnerable!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. Something we are all familiar with and probably all think that we know how to accomplish it. We tell people we have forgiven them, but have we truly forgiven them?

Forgive: Transitive Verb
1 a: to give up resentment of our claim to requital for 
   b: To grant relief from payment of 
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) -Merriam Webster Online Dictionary

I must say that I am pleased to see that it is a verb. I'll be honest; I had to look up to see what constitutes a transitive verb. I scored very high on my GRE writing section, but, when it comes to knowing the formal grammar rules, I'm pretty sure I forgot that at graduation. 

Anyway, forgiveness is more than a verb, it is a choice. It is a choice that requires much more than the single decision to tell someone you have forgiven them. It is a choice that requires you to relinquish all emotion that is affiliated with the offense and the person who committed the offense. 

Something that I think is important to discuss is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things that are often thought of as happening together. Forgiveness only requires one person, me. Reconciliation requires two people, me and the offender. Forgiveness only benefits me and unforgiveness only harms me. Reconciliation can only happen if the other person involved is willing to change in some capacity that will allow the relationship to continue in a healthy manner. Reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness. There are no "I would forgive that person if only..." I would forgive them, but..." Those are statements more suitable for reconciliation. 

I thought that I understood forgiveness and had forgiven many people in my life until I had a true understanding of forgiveness. This revelation started a few years ago, but became very real when Dr. Bev Smallwood came and spoke in Joplin after the tornado. She gave the illustration that by not forgiving someone you are bringing them to bed with you every night. She then spoke of a woman who during one of her previous presentations who stood up and declared that she just realized that she had been sleeping with her ex-husband for X number of years. Isn't it funny that when we lay down at night to sleep, our mind starts to wander and we start to remember all of the offenses that we hold on to so tightly, offenses that we had "forgiven". 

As I started the journey to true forgiveness, I realized that before a person can truly forgive, they must first be able to forgive themselves. My journey started by examining my life and all of the things I held myself guilty for. I then dissected them and forgave myself of any wrong doing that I had in that occurrence. In doing this, I not only forgave myself, but for the first time allowed myself to fully experience the forgiveness of God. 

The next step on this journey was to forgive the few individuals in my life that had hurt me so deeply that I carried the offense with me. When I say that we are the only ones who suffer because of our unforgiveness, it is true. The other individuals had no idea that I was still raging mad at them. They had no ill effects in their life because of my unforgiveness toward them. I thought I had forgiven them, but realized I hadn't when I relished in their pain in their individual lives. It's difficult to admit that, but it is true and I'm certain I am not the only person for whom that is true, just one who is willing to admit it. True forgiveness did not come overnight. Some of this pain I had carried with me from my childhood, the longer I had carried the pain and the deeper the wound, the more difficult it was to choose forgiveness. With time and prayer, I was able to relinquish all pain and emotions related to these individuals and the offenses. One thing that I found especially helpful was to pray for the individual each time I thought of them. Forgiveness is not our natural tendency, I believe that due to our sinful nature that unforgiveness is what comes naturally to us. Therefore, I found that by praying for individuals each time I thought of them, eventually, I no longer thought about them. Because if it is Satan who wants me to harbor the pain and unforgiveness, and is therefore causing me to think of these people he will quickly stop if I lift them up in prayer. Also, this was a stepping stone for me, as there were some individuals who I refused to pray for, despite requests to do so. 

As a result of finding true forgiveness, I can say that I feel lighter and less burdened. I am now able to live life more fully. I have not reconciled with most of the individuals who are referenced above and do not plan to do so due to their lack of change and to protect myself from further harm. But that does not keep me from experiencing the full benefit of a life free from resentment. 

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Here's to forgiving fully and living life without resentment. 

Anticipation is building each day as I become one day closer to being a stay at home mom. This has been my goal since I found out I was pregnant. I knew that it would not be a reality initially, due to Greg's job situation. But I knew that it would work out. I knew this, because it was not my plan. I had my plan for my life, and it did not include being a stay at home mom. It was more of a career driven plan. Therefore, I knew that the burning desire that I had to be a stay at home mom could have only been a part of God's plan for my life, hence how I knew it would come to fruition. 

I struggled with not being able to stay home for a very long time both during the pregnancy and after Aiden was born. I had many periods of time where I would beg and plead with God to make this happen. Many evenings were spent in tears in the shower, again, begging and pleading for this to be a reality. It was during this time that I also struggled with how to pray and does God really want to hear the same thing over and over again? I figured, I don't like hearing the same thing over and over again, and He is the all knowing God, so surely He doesn't want to hear it over and over again. He knows the desires of my heart, after all, He's the one who put them there! As I struggled with this, I read somewhere that God wants us to be persistent. He wants us to come to him over and over again with the same topics. 

I am blessed that my prayers have been answered and I will soon get to experience the joys of full time motherhood, as well as the trials. I believe that God did not allow me to stay home initially because I wasn't ready for it, no matter how ready I thought I was. I think that had I always been able to stay home, I would have constantly been thinking about what it is like to be a working mom, and would have been trying to decide if I had made the correct decision. I'm sure I would have been filled with doubts of not being cut out for it. But, now that I have experienced being a working mom, I believe that I will be able to more fully appreciate the blessing of staying home. I hate it when Aiden is sick, but those have been my favorite days when I get to stay home with him. It just feels like all is right in the world and it has given me confirmation that I'm making the right choice for me and for my family. 

As far as I know, I came up with this saying on my own...but you never know what seeds may have been planted that caused me to think of it...so, if I should be giving credit to someone, please let me know.

"We are all just people, living life the best that we know how with the tools that we have."

This is a saying that I truly believe and try to remember. I remind myself of this at times when I find that I may be looking down on or judging someone. I think that it is easy for us to start to think that we are better than people, for many different reasons. I don't have to list the reasons, I'm sure a flood of them come to mind when you start to think about it.

One particular reason that stands out to me is treating people differently because they are poor. I have been working with some of the poorest people for the last 3 years, and the one thing that I know, is that they are people with hopes and dreams the same as you and I. They are living their life the best that the know how with the tools that they have available to them. I have spent my time and effort trying to improve their tools so that they can get closet to obtaining their goals, whatever that may be.

It seems that people who live in trailers get made fun of the most. I can think of several derogatory sayings that  are aimed at people living in trailers. I truly don't understand that. It is a home, a home that they can afford. Who are we to judge them for living within their means! And just because a person lives in a trailer does not mean that they are poor. Maybe it is just that having a fancy house doesn't align with their goals. Maybe they choose to have a less expensive home in order to achieve their other financial goals. We all make financial decisions every day, and not all of us have the same financial goals. Some people prefer a fancy home, some prefer a fancy car, some to be able to travel, some to be debt free.

My mom was very poor while I was a young child and we lived in a trailer. I felt the judgement of others and I was made very aware that we were "less" because of her income. Now looking back, how sad that a young child should feel this way and be aware of the judgments of other children and adults.  I was embarrassed of the clothes I had, the car she drove, and that we lived in a trailer. But, now looking back I am not embarrassed of these things, they are all in material and are very insignificant in the grand scheme of life. She did a good job of creating a nice home and providing the best she could with what she had, and ultimately is that what we are all doing, just on different scales?

Here's to remembering we are all just people, living life the best we know how with the tools that we have.

While I was sitting in church on Sunday I was thinking about the Casting Crowns' song, "Praise You in This Storm". This caused a flood of thoughts and memories: a friend who had this as their ringtone after surviving the May 22 tornado, the picture we have in our living room with a favorite quote "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain", the various storms we have faced in our life and our attitudes during those storms.

While I was pondering these things, I realized that each and everyone of us face storms in our life. Each storm has a perceived magnitude and significance to the person experiencing it and to those looking in. The storms that each of us face are very real, significant, and unpleasant. However, it is sometimes easy for outsiders to hear about or watch us face a storm and try to "one up" us, or be dismissive of the pain that we are facing. When the reality is that no one has the right to judge another person's storm just because it is different from their own storm.

Yesterday on the radio, I heard a blurb from Renee Swope, at least I'm pretty sure that's who it was, I don't want to mis-credit anyone. She spoke of how when a friend at church asked how she was doing, she unloaded on her. She encouraged people to be honest with each other and to trust one another with our burdens, or storms, in order that we may come along side one another and help lighten the load.

Here's to putting judgement aside and dancing in the rain with one another!

If you could chose your life, what would it look like? Does this align with the person God wants you to be? Could this be your calling?

These are things that I have been asking myself a lot recently. I have been reading the book If You Want to walk on Water You've Got to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg. (Which if you are the person who loaned that to us, let me know so I can get you a replacement.) Some of the things that have stood out to me are as follows: 

A calling is something that is discovered not chosen.

We each have been given gifts, talents, longings & desires. We must work to identify these, develop them, and use them to humbly and joyfully serve God. 

What brings you joy? What do you desire & are passionate about? 

I also heard an interview on KLove with Caroline Dowd Higgins, who is a career coach and Brian Ray CEO with Crossroads Career Network. A lot of what they had to say fell in line with the above thoughts from the book. The part that stood out to me in her interview was when one of them said that people need to give themselves permission to change their minds, referring to their career choices.

So, now that I have some disjointed thoughts out, I'll ask again, If you could chose your life, what would it look like?

For me I have determined that I would be a stay at home mom (which is quickly becoming a passion to help others who want this achieve it). 

I would be organized to a "T". I'm pretty organized, but no where near what I want to be. 

Be well dressed (I'll admit that I'm obsessed with the Eddie Bauer catalog.)

I desire to have the ability to give both of my time and financially to charity and missions work.

To be a leader in Women's ministries.

To have the time and money to be able to travel.

Provide a comfortable life for Aiden and any future children.

I have a feeling that somewhere within those lines is my calling. Guess I will have to wait to see where the journey takes me. 

Here's to finding our calling!

I was driving home from a challenge party the other night and I had a revelation. It suddenly occurred to me that I am NOT capable of being the person I want to be and that I need to change my focus to being the person that God wants me to be.

I was struggling several months back with the realization that I didn't have time or energy to be the person I wanted to be. Someone asked me who it was that I wanted to be. In that moment, I realized how completely unattainable my expectations were. I realized that I had taken everything I liked about the people around me and wanted that part of them to be part of me as well. Basically, I wanted to be Martha Stewart in the home and kitchen, dress fashionably and have salon fresh hair and make up daily, have a house that is perfectly tidy every moment, be mom of the year, be an amazing wife, and have the career of my choosing, all while being an active and involved church member...it's exhausting just listing it all! At that time I looked back on the individuals who have served as role models for me as I created this picture of who I wanted to be and I realized that something had to give for them, because no one is capable of doing it all. In that moment I determined that  there were some aspects of my life that could not give: God, my family, and my sanity!

Apparently the mini lesson I learned several months ago was not enough, because I was right back to wanting to do it all and have it all. This time God intervened for me and this seems to be a more effective lesson. So, who does God want me to be. Well, that is a journey that I am currently on. I have determined some aspects of who this person is, but I know he isn't finished revealing this to me just yet. So far, I know that my roles that I need to fulfill are to be a child of God, a wife, mother, and daughter. Through prayer and reading, He has revealed some adjectives that I have been working to define their role in my life and I'm sure that as I continue on this journey, there will be more adjectives that are added. Currently I know that I am to be diligent, flawed, faithful, persistent, humble, and joyful. I had the most amazing feeling of relief when He revealed that I am flawed and that I am created to be flawed. I have spent my life striving for perfection, or as close as I could possibly come, and I have always fallen short of my expectations. The definition of a flaw is an imperfection or weakness. How nice it is to know that my weaknesses are God given. I certainly don't plan on using this as an excuse to play on my weaknesses, however, it's nice to know that I'm meant to have weaknesses.

Psalm 139:14 comes to mind " I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are you works; my soul knows it very well."-ESV

Here's to being the people God wants us to be, flaws and all!

So, one thing that I have found that I often do, is say to myself, "If only John Doe would do____,things could be so much better for them". Typically these thoughts revolve around finances. A person complains that they are struggling financially, yet I can easily see so many areas for savings, cable and expensive toys are the first two that come to mind. Another personal example is of an individual who complained that they were cold and could not afford to buy blankets and that they couldn't afford undergarments. At the time Greg and I received this complaint, we were newly married and were college students struggling to make it, but I couldn't justify not sending this person some blankets and undergarments. We then visited this person a few months later and I was sickened to find that this individual was spending their money on expensive clothes and accessories!

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I wonder what people think and say to themselves "If only April would do _____ differently, things would be better for her". I wish that we lived in a society that embraced honesty enough that people had the courage to tell their friends, "hey maybe try this" and that it would be well received. If I were smart enough with websites, I would figure out how to receive feedback anonymously in order to receive honest, unfiltered, information. However, I do not possess this knowledge, therefore, it is my challenge to you to provide me with honest feedback and to me to receive this information with an open mind and heart.

Here's to being honest while we keep it real!

Well, I am on a journey! I'm not sure where the path will lead, but I know it won't be disappointing. My journey is one of both physical and spiritual health. I invite you to join me as I endeavor to help others and obtain accountability as I seek to Keep It Real!

I want to start by letting everyone know that I am not a writer, just someone with hopes of helping others by sharing myself. This is something that I have been contemplating for some time. It started with a rant to my friend Brittany in which I expressed concerns with Facebook and the jealousy it cultivates. I love Facebook and keeping in contact with people, however, problems arise because we only post our happy moments, (or our very negative feelings and occurrences) which leads to creating an unrealistic picture of what our lives look like. I believe that as people we need to make an effort to be honest and real with those around us. In my experience anything I have gone through that I felt I could not share with others is totally NORMAL! I just didn't know it because no one was talking about it. When I finally opened up and shared my story, others who had a similar experience felt relief to know they were not alone.

I plan to push myself to share my inner self and offer greater disclosure that I am naturally comfortable with. I won't promise full disclosure...maybe with time. I welcome any questions and feedback. For those of you familiar with the color code I am a red...which means that my natural tendency is to guard my insecurities tightly...so this is a step in my journey to becoming charactered.

Here's to keeping it real!